Embarrassed Freshman Still Doesn’t Have a Date to the Homecoming Dance


Each year, freshmen enter college with deep, burning questions: what does homecoming mean now? What’s the theme? Is there still going to be a dry hump-fest in the gymnasium? Unfortunately, despite having been the most boys’-bathroom-graffiti-complimented girl at her high school, first year student Kelly Ledger still doesn’t have a date to the homecoming dance. “I just don’t get it,” said Kelly, ugly crying in the sequined halter dress her mom helped her pick out from Governor’s Square mall. “In high school, guys would KILL to put their sweaty palms on my waist and strategically position their hips so their boner wouldn’t poke me during the slow dance. Now, I can’t even get a guy to violate the ‘leave room for the Holy Spirit’ rule with me. What have I become?”  

“I’m sure some cute guy will ask her within the next eight hours,” her roommate, Tammy, assured over the incoherent mix of sobbing mumbles coming from Ledger's mouth. Tammy’s suspiciously positive attitude can be explained by the scavenger hunt she went on to find personalized M&Ms, a staged terrorist attack and eleven shirtless boys with “H-O-M-E-C-O-M-I-N-G-?” spelled out on their hairless chests. It’s reported that the guy who asked Smith to be his date was just as confused as the two roommates are about what a homecoming outside of high school entails, but figured this would at least guarantee him a post-Pow Wow handjob.

Eventually, Ledger and Smith were set straight when they read their RA’s informative bulletin board about FSU’s Homecoming. The two were shocked to discover that homecoming is no longer the PG-13 orgy they knew so well, and instead involves a free comedy show with established performers, live music and an actual decent time. “Even if I don’t get a date, I know I can win homecoming queen,” said Ledger. “Homecoming court is still just as much of a farce as ever.”