Business major Asher Millstone decided late Thursday night to stop fucking around on Tinder. After downing a Four Loko-Strawberrita cocktail, he changed his bio from “ΠΚΑ FSU ’17” to “Asher. 20 and a half. Love that loud.” But after watching several episodes of Sons of Anarchy and ignoring ten matches from attractive women who he deemed “too smart,” he decided something was missing. Impulsively, he added “Young professional” to his bio with Cheeto-dusted thumbs. Extremely attracted to the idea that someone could be both young and be a “professional,” whatever that term may mean, the women of Tallahassee descended upon Millstone. Within seconds, he had 50 matches and numerous invites to “watch a movie or something.” A week later, he was hospitalized.
“The official term for his diagnosis is ‘penile exhaustion,’” said Dr. Leo Spaceman, pointing to a dick pic provided by Millstone. “He’s getting laid a ridiculous amount and it is straining his penis. There are two possible treatments: slathering cold oatmeal on the affected area or refraining for sexual activity.” Heartbroken, Millstone has decided to take the second option.
Millstone has since removed the troublesome phrase from his bio and is currently exploring other dating apps, in hopes of finding one that’s “less work.” He has gone on record as saying that Bumble is “feminazi bullshit” and that he might download Grindr “lowkey lowkey lowkey but as a joke haha no homo.”