The 9 People You See At Every Concert
1. Born to Bob Everyone in the audience wishes they were them. In fact, in the presence of a gifted enough head bobber, even the ones on stage might wish they were them. Totally secure, totally confident, able to make even the wildest of bobs look completely intentional and charmingly effortless. They know exactly when to slow it down and speed it up without skipping a beat.
2. Wasn’t Born to Bob
Basically everyone else. So wrapped up in admiring the charming head-bobber, these people have a hard time even enjoying the show. How do they do it? It looks so natural! Could I do that? Probably not. But they make it look so easy! These people will try and fail on and off throughout the entire set to mimic those perfectly timed bobs, and will likely leave disheartened, unsatisfied, and wondering if everyone else was judging how stupid and awkward they looked the whole time, and if the bands that performed even did a good job or not or whether or not life is even worth it.
3. The Straight Bang Gang
You want to find some deeper meaning under that winged eyeliner, septum ring, and ¾ visible forehead, but you won’t, because they’re actually computers! That’s right! You think they just have a social media addiction because they are constantly tweeting everything that happens in the front row of every concert, but they simply can’t help it, they are programmed this way. Have you ever seen one in the rain? Didn’t think so.
This girl will let literally anything prevent her from having a good time.
“Really? You’re gonna just push in front of me like that?”
“Really? You know second hand smoke is a thing, right?”
“Really? $6 for a beer? How is that gonna work?”
“Really? I have to stand in line? Like, I have to pee.”
“Really? You’re just going to stand right there?”
5. The Musical Alcoholic
You have your social drinkers, binge drinkers, and your functioning alcoholics, but then you have that one friend who actually can’t listen to music without being drunk. They’ll be at Chili's on their third margarita during every concert opener playing at Club Downunder. The next day you’ll find them at home finishing off a keg by themselves listening to their Diarrhea Planet record. Another day they will get so wasted they decide to buy musical tickets to go see Wicked.
6. The Roller Coaster Rider
They’re the one that is framing your view of the stage with two hands and have permanent butthole mouth; the one that has high-five teased you in the past. We aren’t sure if they went to a theme park the day before or if they think this is the only way you can dance at a concert, but even during an indie folk set they will be in downhill roller coaster position. Woooo!
7. Constant Mosher
Whether it be Against Me or Wilco, you can definitely count on this guy to slam his entire body into you at any given moment. This guy is definitely wearing a tank top with an energy drink logo on it, definitely is still in high school, definitely is pretending to be drunk, and definitely needs to go home because the only people pretending to enjoy him are the other kids he brought with him and the unexplainably sweaty guy that we’re about to describe.
8. The Inexplicably Sweaty
We don’t know why this guy is sweating, you don’t know why this guy is sweating, nobody fucking knows why this guy is sweating so god damn profusely. The show hasn’t even started yet and there is a cool breeze in the venue, yet there are beads of sweat running down his face. Maybe he has a fever? Maybe he has social anxiety? Either way, kind of odd.
9. David Wolfson
Whether you realize it or not, you have seen this person at literally every show you have ever been to.