History professor Mike Simms has long considered himself to be the most fun and relatable professor at Florida State. However he recently has experienced an existential crisis of sorts after overhearing two of his students complain about how boring his class was. That is why on Wednesday morning, Professor Simms decided to step things up and announced that the regularly scheduled Tuesday morning final exam will now be moved to 11pm on Friday at Bullwinkle’s, where $10 will get you all the free drinks you want and all of your final grade. “I’m always trying to be edgy and keep students on their toes, but now I guess I just have to try a little harder,” said Professor Simms while writing a pop quiz on Kendrick’s new album. “Final exams are so boring. Kids these days don’t want to learn, they just want to get stupid drunk and maybe hook up with a low-level FSU athlete. So I decided to just have the exam at the easiest place to do that, Bullwinkle’s.”
Professor Simms’ final exam will not be based off any of the material taught in class. Instead, students will be forced to do one round of shots with each TA, then dance to all of the cupid shuffle and at least one Pitbull song. There will also be an essay portion of the exam where students must describe in detail at least one drunk conversation they had in the bathroom with a stranger. Students under the age of 21 can either accept a zero on the exam or contact their TA about his underground fake ID business.