Student Masters Eating Just Enough of Roommate’s Leftovers to Go Unnoticed


Chemistry major Elizabeth Barnes has finally perfected a skill that she's calling “an inspiration to foodies everywhere.” After longingly eying her roommate’s Chipotle leftovers for days, Barnes came to the decision that although eating them would be completely evil, there might just be a way to have her (roommate's) cake and quite literally eat it too. “You see, the key is you just take discreet bites of the leftovers in spread out spots then put them back in the fridge. If you never eat all of it or too much of it they’ll never know,” explained Barnes while pouring a small amount of her roommate’s coffee creamer into her mug while playing the Kill Bill sirens on a loop. “I’ve even expanded my talents to my roommate Casey’s bathroom items, I mean how could I not? She lives like a fucking queen! She’s got TRESemmé shampoo and conditioner and has like a bazillion ply toilet paper. I haven’t even bought deodorant all semester! It’s been a wild ride.”

Despite how sneaky Elizabeth may have thought she was being, her roommate has in fact noticed. “Does she really think I don’t remember exactly how many shrimps were left in my Olive Garden box? Inquired dance major Casey Wilson while rolling her eyes at “The Leftovers Assassin,” which is Elizabeth’s incredibly revealing blog about her adventures in the fridge and beyond. “I haven’t confronted Lizzie about it because I feel bad for her. I mean, she’s failing all her classes and this just might be the only thing she’s got going for her aside from all the likes her boob pic got on Yeti the other day.”

Elizabeth plans to continue stealing her roommate’s things, and might even expand into other realms of criminal activity including but not limited to stealing soda in water cups at local restaurants, jaywalking, and perhaps using her chemistry skills to start her own meth lab because “how hard could it be?”