A few days ago, FSU quarterback and all-around model citizen Jameis Winston announced that he will not be attending the NFL draft. Although Jameis initially stated that he wanted to spend that day with his family, he now says that the real reason he is skipping the draft is that he already bought Coachella tickets. “I completely support Jameis’ decision, even though Coachella is literally weeks before the draft,” said coach Jimbo Fisher, while cropping his sons out of a picture of his family and the quarterback. “Let’s be real, this won’t be the worst thing he’s ever done.”
“It’s gonna be so great to see white people beyond Seminole Nation appropriating Native American culture in a whole new way,” remarked Jameis while reblogging pictures of Vanessa Hudgens in a headdress from last year. “But I’m mostly excited to kick Tyler the Creator’s ass. There’s only room for one controversial misogynist in Coachella Valley. I just need to find the perfect pair of heart-shaped sunglasses.”
Former Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton says that he tried to warn Jameis about the dangers of going to music festivals. “Fuckin’ Dave Matthews Band gave me Lyme disease at one of those things, and jerking off hasn’t been the same since,” said Sexton. “I can't even get an erection now without first chugging a Michelob Ultra, slipping on a pair of flip flops, and asking a local teenager where to find weed."
Despite having absolutely no plans on draft day, Jameis does not plan on watching it at all. Instead, Winston reports he will be marathoning Disney Channel’s Phineas and Ferb. “Screw draft picks,” said Winston while attempting to pour some Captain Morgan into the tiny hole of a Capri Sun, “I only have one pick and that’s my boys Phinny and Ferb for True Detective Season 2!”