Local Neckbeard Prepares for Intellectual Duel with Anti-Evolutionist Preacher


Armed with only an old copy of The God Delusion and a condescending sneer, sophomore and self-proclaimed gentleman Jack Bolster will finally get the chance to put his supreme intellect on display today against the famed anti-evolutionist, Preacher Tom. Bolster noticed the preacher in the union yesterday while on his way a local Reddit meet up, and knew that it was up to him to once and for all put a stop to this preacher and eventually all religion everywhere. “Every morning I wake up and ask myself ‘What would Bill Maher do?’, and today that answer is to go to the Union and shut down some stupid Christians,” said Bolster while writing out his arguments in a notebook covered in stickers of his favorite My Little Pony, Twilight Sparkle. “I haven’t been this proud of myself since that time a girl in class said ‘God bless you’ after I sneezed and I stood up and said ‘There is no God.’”

Meanwhile, Preacher Tom has heard the rumors of Bolster’s debate plans and couldn't be more excited. “I can’t wait! Debating undergraduate neckbeards is literally the only thing that keeps me going. Do you really think I actually believe in any of this stuff I’m saying? Yesterday I just made up a book of the Bible called ‘Goulashins’ and nobody even said anything.”

Even President John Thrasher has caught wind of the debate and is planning to attend. “There’s nothing I love more than seeing students express their honest opinion about controversial issues,” said Thrasher. “Unless their opinion is anything negative about me, then that should definitely not be allowed.”