A First Person Account of a Spring Break in Tallahassee
Friday: 4:20 PM:
Classes are over and I’m ready to party. Julie and I were supposed to go to PCB
together but it turns out her Snapchat story drunkenly telling everybody who
follows her to “GET THE FUCK TO PCB SPRANNNGG BREAKKKK” wasn’t a real
invitation, but you know it’s cool I can have my own party here alone. I definitely
don’t regret turning my parents down for that Disney Cruise in hopes of getting a
blumpkin from Julie. I totally don’t wish I was taking a selfie with Goofy in a
Hawaiian shirt right now. I just thought she liked me but it’s fine I mean you can’t
always get what you want I guess? The Stones said that, right? Whatever, fuck the
Rolling Stones. Tonight’s all about the Rolling Rock.
Woke up in a pool of my own urine and vomit. Flashback to around midnight last
night when I called an Uber to take me to Georgia to buy 40’s. Check the texts on my
newly shattered iPhone and my stomach drops when I see that I sent a text to Julie
at 2:09 AM.
“YOU’RE IN PCB?? MORE LIKE YOU’RE A PC-BITCH!!!” No reply… she read it at 11:43
AM… fuck me.
I finally muster up the nerve to text Julie again.
“Hey Jules, fyi I meant bitch in a nice way!!! The way rappers say it! Have fun this
Call me a born-again Christian because I just got saved. Better take it easy today.
I really shouldn’t have blown all my money on that Uber to Georgia. I’m almost out
of food and its time to start rationing. I look in my pantry and take inventory.
- One half box of elbow pasta
- A stale bag of leftover Chipotle chips
- Two fortune cookies
- One pack of Ramen (corned beef flavored from Mom’s St. Patty’s Day care package,
Okay, not as bad as I expected. Now to check the fridge...
- Expired gallon of milk
- OnE egg, slightly cracked
- One soggy tomato
Can you substitute ketchup as tomato sauce on pasta? Fuck. I guess there’s no better
time than now to start that spring break diet.
Tip: Do not put ketchup on pasta. I’m so sad.
Okay, this weekend was a bust, but it’s Monday aka the first real day of spring break!
Time to make the best of this shit. First things first, I need to make a little money. I
steal my roommate’s guitar from his room, grab a hat, and head to Landis to
hopefully make a little money serenading whoever’s left on campus. The weather is
beautiful. I think the rest of this week is going to be really great.
I made three whole dollars!!!! That’s enough to treat myself to a McDonald’s dollar
menu feast! God, I love this country.
A homeless guy tried to peer pressure me into giving him my three dollars but I
screamed “YO MAN I HAD PASTA WITH KETCHUP ON IT FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT
LET ME HAVE THIS” and he offered me a granola bar!!! His name is Max and he’s
coming over later for a shower and to see if that show The Unbreakable Kimmy
Schmidt on Netflix is any good.
Kimmy Schmitt is pretty good if you ask me. Max thinks it’s a little low-key racist,
which I don’t really see, but I do respect his opinion. Both of us agree it has a super
catchy theme song.
I don’t remember asking Max to have a sleepover last night but it must have slipped
out at some point because I woke up to him passed out on my couch. I thought he
was dead until I poked him.
I kicked Max out. I feel kind of bad but he kept farting in his sleep while screaming
“Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War” and even though I can definitely see
that happening, it was starting to freak me out.
I wonder how cute Julie looks in her bikini right now. I really hope she posts some
pictures soon because pasting her face onto the naked bodies of porn is really hard
to do when the bodies keep moving. I’m so horny. And so hungry.
Okay, It’s hump day. One more fresh start so I can finish out the weekend strong. I
had an amazing revelation when I woke up to pee last night! Strozier might have
some copies of old Playboys I could check out and paste pics of Julie’s head onto for
more efficient masturbation.
STROZIER’S CLOSED I WANT TO DIE.
Is bar soap edible?
Julie texted me!!!!!!!!!! Sure, it said “can you please stop replying to all the snaps I put
in my story?? It’s getting annoying” but at least she’s noticing me.
I woke up and decided today’s the day I hang out with a friend, even if it kills me. I
texted my entire address book “u in tally?” and waited for results.
No bites. Pretty much every body is out of town I guess. Damn, and it’s 4:20. I wish I
hadn’t dared myself to eat all of my weed the other day when I was super fucked up.
At least didn’t puss out though, I would have never let myself forget that.
Took like 10 shots of Jelly pretending it was liquor. I’m not drunk but I am SO close
to beating the computer on internet Chess so there’s that.
Finally got paid!!!!! I went to Chipotle and glided through a beautifully empty line.
And then I did it again. And again, just because I fucking could! SPRING BREAK!!!!!!
It’s still pretty lonely here. I spent a few hours dancing around the stage in the Union
as shitty music still eerily played in the background. I reached to ask a friend to
record me for my snap story and then stopped mid-sentence. I miss human
Julie posted the most beautiful Instagram of our time. It was a duck face selfie with
the caption, “comin’ 4 u Tally ;)”. She’s such a wordsmith; no wonder she’s a creative
Ran into Julie and it was like a dream. I spent all day walking back and forth in front
of her dorm so I could casually run into her right when she got home. She looked so
tan, so majestic. “Hey Julie! So wild seeing you here!” I went in for a hug, which Julie
quickly made a Christian side hug. She’s so classy. “Do you need any help bringing
up your stuff?” I asked her, smooth as honey, to which she replied, “Um no thanks,
I’m good.” I really, really love how independent Julie is. I know she doesn’t need me,
but I want her to want me. I asked her if she wanted to hang out tomorrow and she
flirtatiously replied “Uhhh, maybe.” Oh my god, IT’S ON!
I need to talk to my mom so I can ask for grandma’s ring for Julie! I was going to wait
until our first full-frontal hug but I just can’t! She’s the one! What time is it in
Disney’s Castaway Cay?
I’m freaking out man. Julie hasn’t answered any of my calls all day and even posted a
Snapchat selife with another guy. I’m sure he’s just a friend. She wouldn’t do this do
me, I know Julie! We’ve sat next to each other in Comm 1 for almost three months
now and I’ve never felt more connected to another being. This is just a mishap,
maybe my phone’s broken. Oh god.
Good news, Julie still loves me. She texted me and asked for the Comm 1 homework.
She wouldn’t do that unless she really needed me on an emotional and physical
level. Man, a great end to a great week. Spraaaaang breeaaaaak foreeevverrrr.