Total Loser Didn’t Have Anybody to Kiss When Financial Aid Dropped


Today at 1:30 pm, thousands of students at Florida State University celebrated the most anticipated event of the semester: the financial aid drop. While most students have been counting down the seconds until they can pick up weed, junior Allison Barkovec is anything but thrilled about the occasion. “Every semester when financial aid drops, I’m surrounded by people making out, cheering, and wearing stupid glasses. I just wanted to have my first real Financial Aid kiss,” says Allison, sitting in a stranger’s bathtub and drinking lukewarm champagne. “I’m so tired of ‘suddenly’ getting diarrhea and running to the bathroom at 1:28pm. I thought this year was gonna be different.”

Allison thought she would be able to up her odds of getting smooched by taking a 1 pm Sports and Society class that was sure to be full of fuckboys. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the class does have an abundance of fuckboys, they all seemed far more interested in finding the most discreet way to listen to Wiz Khalifa during class than macking on Allison.

“She’s got a nice rack, but like, I wanna share my Financial Aid kiss with someone special, you know?” said Allison’s classmate Jeff, adjusting his Miami Heat snapback and power-swiping right on Tinder. “Besides, I don’t even get financial Aid. My dad’s a stock broker, so naive civilians and companies pay for my education.”

Next year, Allison plans to attend the President’s Rockin’ Financial Aid Celebration and hopefully play tongue hockey with some guy in a frat tank or Oakley’s, or maybe both. However, Allison might not get the chance, as President John Thrasher is considering scrapping the event, because he doesn’t understand why anyone would “celebrate being poor.”