Students Forced to Vacate Dorms This Weekend in Order to House Fans


Continuing with the trend of sacrificing student quality-of-life for financial gain, Florida State University has issued an e-mail to all students living on campus, instructing them to evacuate their dorms by 8:00 PM Friday night, the day before the Notre Dame-Florida State game. This evacuation is occurring in order to make room for those who actually pay to see football games. If successful, this rule will become routine for all big home football games, in addition to the rules restricting student parking to just two garages during game weekends. “This is exactly what I became a booster for!” said one man, cracking opening a Michelob Ultra to complement his midlife crisis. “You won’t believe the vintage porn this kid has! And I thought kids had completely switched over to the internet! I love Florida State!"

The dining halls will also be revamped for the weekend, serving food from Shula’s, Bonefish Grill, and several other high-class restaurants. “I’m really looking forward to serving food that isn’t also served in America's prisons,” said one Suwannee employee while Googling how to pronounce ‘filet mignon.’ "I’m just hoping these guys respect the two cookie per customer rule.”Students will not be allowed to eat in the dining halls; however, after dining hours, leftovers will be distributed to students according to their number of Spear-it Reward Points.

The original e-mail includes a broken link that was supposed to bring the students to the website of Motel 6, where they are encouraged to book a two-night stay for the weekend, but warned “Flexbucks may not be used as payment.”