Mormon Sick of Being Mistaken for Fraternity Pledge


As fraternity rush comes to a close, FSU students prepare themselves to be comforted by one single thought: “at least I’m not a pledge.” However, not everyone is excited to see the yearly flood of navy blue blazers and khaki pants. Local Mormon Todd Kraines says he hates this time of year more than Pride Week and Sunday Night Football combined. Tuesday, during his weekly routine of getting doors slammed in his face at Heritage Grove, Todd was asked what fraternity he was rushing. His face turned red as he mumbled “LDS” and quickly exited the premises. “It’s so annoying,” says Todd, awkwardly trying to dab his forehead sweat with the short sleeve of his white button-down. “I got a bid from Pike last week and all these kids were jealous, but who cares? Those guys may be able to get you into a sick Halloween party, but I can get you into heaven. Let’s be real.”

Todd says if given the opportunity, he would go through sorority rush over fraternity rush. “At least there the girls are already focused on becoming sisters…they just need me for the ‘wives’ part. Why would I need to join a fraternity when I have my church?” Todd continues. “It’s basically the same concept… we have cool hand symbols, we’re predominantly white, and we lie to and about women as justification for treating them as inferior.”

On a side note, Todd says FSU presidential candidate John Thrasher has his full support because “he’s the closest thing we can get to my hero, Mitt Romney.”