FSU Introduces Parking Purge Day


The start of the semester has been a rough one for Florida State University. Between a controversial presidential search, a botched new bus system, and those stupid fucking helmets, nothing has seemed to go right. Chief among these problems however is the nightmare that has become parking on campus. Complaints about the parking situation have become so intense that the university had no choice but to offer an extreme solution. In an address to the student body this afternoon, the university announced that next Wednesday, September 17 will officially be The FSU Parking Purge, a 24 hour period in which absolutely no parking laws exist anywhere on campus. FSU hopes that the controversial holiday will allow students to release all their frustration in one day so they don’t have to hear it all year long. “We’re giving the students the opportunity to do literally anything they want with their cars without consequence” said interim president Garnett Stokes. “You can park your car right on the steps of the Williams Building for your English class and then drive through Landis Green toward Bellamy for your French class. Hell, park on the 50-yard line of Doak Campbell Stadium. They’re letting me go in a couple weeks anyways, I don’t care anymore.”

Students have reacted with nothing but enthusiasm for this once in a lifetime opportunity. “Usually I protest everything this university does” said junior and Progress Coalition member Xavier Rhodes. “But I think the decision to do The Parking Purge is absolutely in the best interests of everyone. I literally can’t think of anything thing that could go wrong.”

Many students are already planning out how they are going to spend The Purge. “I’ll probably just lock myself in my apartment all day” said sophomore Emily Ross. “With Nick O’Leary out there on his motorcycle and Bobo Wilson having access to all the scooters he can steal, it’s way too dangerous for anyone to be outside.”

No one is sure how the FSU Parking Purge will turn out. But one can only hope it leads to a better overall parking situation. If not, students are always allowed to utilize the very efficient bus system.