A First Person Account of Freshman Couple’s Date Tonight at the SLC
5:00 PM
Take shower in community bathroom and listen to R. Kelly to prepare for some potential outside the shirt boob fondling.
5:20 PM
Drench self in roommate’s Old Spice; get dressed in button down shirt, those Macy’s jeans mom got me for Christmas, and debate between wearing an only slightly smelly pair of Sperrys and some classic flip flops.
5:26 PM
Decide on Flip Flops, but text mom just to make sure.
5:30 PM
Assume mom probably died because why else would she not answer immediately on this important matter.
5:37 PM
Realize it was too early to get ready, fantasize about having facial hair to shave for something else to do.
6:40 PM
Watch porn but DO NOT masturbate just in case.
6:42 PM
Accidentally ejaculate, use the lord’s name in vein. Say 10 hail Mary’s and the Pledge of Allegiance to compensate for sins.
7:02 PM
Leave Dorman Hall and head towards Smith to pick up Kaitlin.
7:21 PM
Realize not able to get into Smith Hall. Text Kaitlin “hey come down, I’m here ;)” then notice somebody leaving, sneak in the door behind them and text back “never mind cutie, I’m coming up.” Double check that “come” was not spelled “cum.” Breathe sigh of relief.
7:22 PM
Mom texts back “wear the Sperrys.” FUCK.
7:26 PM
Knock on Kaitlin’s door. Compliment something that is not her boobs or butt. “You have a really great neck. It’s very swanlike.” Exchange one armed Christian side hug. Fight Boner.
7:26-7:34 PM
Over explain how the plan was originally Chilis but I ran out of flex bux yesterday. “So like would it be okay if we went to Suwannee? I’ll give you the last piece of cheese pizza.”
7:42 PM
Arrive at Suwannee. Find romantic booth near the TV. Ask if she would like me to switch it to Jeopardy. Act like I didn’t want to watch Jeopardy anyway. Agree that I guess it’s okay to miss Jeopardy. Make mental note to stream Jeopardy later tonight.
7:50 PM
Make casual conversation about the movie; agree that Leo should have won the Oscar. Discreetly Google who did win the Oscar and say “But that McConaughey guy did play that AIDS guy so that was good too.” It’s good to discuss topical things.
8:01 PM
Ask her if she’s gonna eat her last cookie. When she says no smoothly say “oh well you should eat it because you definitely would still not look fat if you did.”
8:52 PM
Head over to the 9:15 showing of Wolf of Wallstreet at the SLC.
9:02 PM
Realize the movie starts at 10:15, not 9:15.
9:02 PM-10:15 PM
Talk uncomfortably about school and classes and crap for longer than anticipated. Assure Kaitlin that she’s worth the biggest popcorn in the land and if I had more than $2 on my debit card I’d get her some.
10:25 PM
The theater gets dark, the movie starts. Note that by the time the movie ends Kaitlin’s hand will have had the shit held out of it.
11:01 PM
Not yet don’t rush me.
11:36 PM
Almost…. The mood has to be just right… there’s so many boobs in this movie wow. I like boobs.
12:01 AM
Reach over… easy….easy just the tip at first…
12:02 AM
Make contact.
12:04 AM
SUCCESS! WE DID IT!
1:30 AM
Movie ends after a successful hand holding for almost half the time. It was also okay I guess.
1:33 AM
Offer to walk Kaitlin back to her dorm, hold the shit out of her hand the whole time. Lick lips to check for chapped-ness. Discreetly bite off just one piece of dead skin. Clear for landing.
1:42 AM
Arrive at Smith Hall. Give Kaitlin a full two armed hug. Make some intense eye contact and go in for the kill shot.
1:42 AM- 1:44 AM
Kiss for two whole minutes and almost get tongue into her mouth at least three times. Everything is going perfectly so might as well cup a quick feel for something to masturbate to later.
1:45 AM
Kaitlin pulls away, looks freaked out. “Uhhh okay goodnight Bryan”
1:45 AM
Freak the fuck out. I’VE RUINED EVERYTHING. HER BOOB FELT SO NICE BUT THEN SHE WAS SO ANGRY WHY DID MATT TELL ME GIRLS LIKE IT WHEN YOU TOUCH THEIR BOOB OUTSIDE THEIR SHIT??? SHE HATED IT SHE HATES ME. I HATE ME. OH MY GOD.
1:46 AM
Call safe bus because it’s still not safe to walk on campus alone. Wait for safe bus; cry.
2:00 AM
Arrive Back at Dorman Hall.
2:10 AM
Simultaneously masturbate and cry to the thought of touching Kaitlin’s left boob until morning.
9:00 AM
Receive text from Kaitlin. “My roommate’s gone this weekend. Wanna come over later and feel my other boob? ;)”
9:01 AM
Wake up entire hall with cries of happiness. I’M THE SMOOTHEST MOTHER FUCKIN’ DUDE IN THE FRESHMEN CLASS!