FSU and Florida Baseball Teams Agree to Skip the Game and Just Get Straight to the Fight


After a long meeting between FSU baseball manager Mike Martin and whoever the coach is at Florida, it was agreed that to please fans, the baseball game will be replaced by a three hour rematch of the fight that occurred at the last game. “Tonight will be the largest crowd in the history of Dick Howser Stadium, and I don’t want to bore them to death with another stupid baseball game,” said Mike Martin while pretending to be content with his 21 College World Series appearances. “Let’s be honest, no one is coming to watch us lay down some bunts and manufacture runs; they want to see Jameis Winston beat the crap out of some scrawny left fielder. And that’s exactly what they’re gonna get.”

Meanwhile, the Gator baseball team has been preparing for the rematch for weeks, training with former university fighting expert Brandon Spikes to practice subtle eye-gouge maneuvers.

Not to be outdone, Florida State has added 7-foot basketball stars Michael Ojo and Boris Bojanovsky to tonight’s starting lineup for intimidation purposes. “I’ve never really played baseball in my life” said Boris, “but I’ll just do the same thing that I do at all the basketball games: pray I don’t get put in the game and if I do just pretend that I know what I’m doing.”

FSU administration strongly discourages fans from getting involved in the fight tonight. However, it is perfectly acceptable to encourage Gator players to fight each other.