President Eric Barron’s farewell to Florida State University and its students culminated today with a lively speech for the tens of people gathered in front of Westcott Fountain. “We never really came close to my goal of being a top 25 university” said Eric Barron to a couple confused students passing by between classes, “but we ARE in the top 25 party schools and our football team won the fuckin’ National Championship so you’re welcome for the dope ass college experience, you ungrateful bastards.”
Despite his imminent departure, President Barron is making sure to leave behind a permanent mark. He recently named his interim successor, an FSU employee whose literal name is Garnett Stokes. When asked why Barron chose Ms. Stokes he clarified “because the other candidate Goldd Gnarly was a little under-qualified.” President Barron then erupted in laughter at his hilarious joke, practically choked on his Strawberrita, and added “nah! I’m fucking with you guys. Her name is hilarious, that’s why!” Let it be noted that President Barron then high-fived him self and attempted to start the wave.
Rumors are also swirling that FSU Football will soon announce a new logo for the upcoming season. “I can’t show you the design I picked” says Barron, “but I can promise you it’s going to be featured in at least four more over-dramatized Youtube promos funded by your tuition.”
The farewell party at Westcott included clowns and jugglers from the FSU Circus, a flash dance mob to Queen’s “We Are the Champions,” and on a more serious note, an array of grief counselors to talk students through this difficult time. “We just want students to know that it’s not their fault” said FSU psychologist Barry Green to which a passing student queried “wait, who are we talking about again?”
Eric Barron’s time as FSU President has been long and tumultuous but there is no doubt that he is leaving the university in better shape than when he arrived. Before President Barron got here, Florida State was just a moderately prestigious public university. But today Florida State is a moderately prestigious public university-with a Heisman trophy!
Thanks President Barron, you will be missed.