Local Student Friend-Zoned Again


Local student and self-proclaimed “nice guy” Michael Hayson has been friend-zoned yet again by some slut. This is the third vindictive bitch this semester to manipulate Hayson into thinking she liked him, when really she just valued him as a friend.

“I bought her Starbucks, like twice. I held the door open. I listened to her problems. I even told her she was cute when she looked like shit. Bitch didn’t even give me a hand-job.” Hayson also would like to note she texted him first no less than 4 times. What the fuck! She was totally asking for it!

Malicious friend-zoning teases have become a campus-wide epidemic, as has the backlash by “nice-guys” everywhere.  “Have you seen 500 Days of Summer?” Inquires one shameful victim who asked to remain anonymous, “that’s like our mantra. Dude’s a hero.” 500 Days of Summer is about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel’s casual relationship wherein she told him she didn’t want a boyfriend literally right when it started, but he got attached and expected stuff anyway.  “Yeah but like you know she wanted the D,” argues Hayson as he pauses an intense game of Grand Theft Auto and finally starts to pay attention to this interview. “I’m just like lonely, you know?” We know. Accused “friend-zoner” Jessica Powell explains her experiences with Hayson:

“He seemed cool, yeah. He was in my Bio class and we were working on a project and went to Starbucks a few times for it. Whenever I’d take out my wallet to pay for coffee he’d smile weirdly at me and say ‘I’ve got it.’ I thought he was just being nice. One night he texted me out of nowhere and asked what “we” were. I didn’t know we were anything? I thought we were lab partners?”

After interviewing several other “nasty slut friend-zoners,” it seems all their stories are pretty similar. Maybe the “friend-zone” is in reality just a mean defense mechanism created by insecure boys to demonize girls who’ve done nothing wrong outside of not wanting to date them.  Or maybe bitches be crazy.