Report: David Jolly Rips Himself in Half, David Naughty Emerging

TALLAHASSEE, FL - Witnesses claimed that during his concession speech, democratic candidate for Florida Governor, David Jolly, began to shake violently. His pores began to open up, skin peeling. He grabbed at both sides of his cheeks and ripped violently. Blood gushed onto the entire audience. Screams echoed throughout the chamber as people thought they had just witnessed a graphic suicide. 

Amongst the chaos, a semi-clear cocoon remained where Jolly’s corpse was. An orange hand shot out from the membrane. “It was unlike anything I have ever seen,” said one of Jolly’s constituents. “Jolly is no more, only David Naughty!” Mr. Naughty, formerly Jolly, had screamed. He then began to go on an 18-minute tirade about how and why Jolly lost the election due to factors such as being too jovial and not challenging Governor-elect Byron Donalds to a duel to the death.

While he made no comments at the time, David Naughty is anticipated to make a run for Governor in 2030.