Big Fucking Horse That Can Fucking Kill You in One Kick is Fucking Scared of Everything

MADISON COUNTY, FL — Ranchers call him Riley: a 6 ft, 2,400 pound, muscular Clydesdale Horse with the kill count of a trigger happy Vietnam war veteran. Riley resides on a quaint ranch in rural Florida inside a soundproofed, pitch-black stable. 

“So far, I’ve lost 4 ducks, a dog, a baby chick, and a baby ram!” whispered rancher Leon Montana. “And that’s just counting the animals… I got a lame grandson, for goodness sake. Might as well be an animal; he squeals like one. Oh, and don’t forget my nephew, he’s missing an eye! Riley done kicked his little eye in, and he now wears an eyepatch pretending he’s a sailor or a pirate or something. It’s giving me an earache!”

Montana himself has been dealt a few blows by Riley, often relying on a walking stick for support. “I sneezed a little, and the big fella trampled my legs and dragged me around by the hair, though I read somewhere horse saliva prevents balding,” says Montana. 

When asked why Riley still remains on the ranch, Mr. Montana told reporters that Riley is too precious to put down, claiming the horse is a sacred gift from the Thunder Spirits. “The Steed is our kindred spirit, our cousin in nature,” replied Montana.