Report: DoorDasher Too Outgoing

TALLAHASSEE, FL —Fear grips the Florida State community as reports of a gregarious DoorDash driver have popped up all around the city. Victims have reported a “warm and tender” ambience to interactions with the driver, describing his genuine interest in the customer’s daily happenings. 

“It began with the texting,” a father described shakily. “After confirming the order, he asked me about how my day was, what I was doing later, and how I was feeling.” This couldn’t prepare this victim for what happened next. “He gets to the door, gives me a firm handshake, compliments my shirt, and gives one of my children a sticker.” The blatant kindness of the driver was found to be “quite inappropriate” and “frankly disgusting” by customers. 

Reports indicate the driver’s identity has yet to be uncovered, and many worry there’s no system within DoorDash’s app to have his driver status eliminated. Tallahassee residents are encouraged to order from DoorDash with extreme caution; be on the lookout for texts with proper grammar, prolonged interesting conversation, and a driver with a warm alluring smile that alleviates your troubles just upon a glance.