Following last Friday’s All Saints parking area closure, local businesses were told to scram as the whole fucking area is now going to be demolished. Leaked documents from Rick Scott’s AOL account reveal that the area will be cleared to make room for an intricate, multi-story Hobby Lobby complex funded by alt-right web blogs and John Thrasher’s swear jar.
“We were looking around the city of Tallahassee for the best location to expand our conservative empire and decided that the crust punks in the All Saints area would be really down for some mass-produced, homophobic arts and crafts scattered around our utilitarian 14th century chastity belts,” said Hobby Lobby executive James Tinselton as he shared a BroBible post titled ‘20 of the Sexiest Donald Trump Pics That Will Make You Want to Paint Your Skin Cheeto-Orange.’ “There was even room for our first-ever in-store restaurant. We’re going to shove in a pre-greased Chili’s right between the artisanal yarn and tacky holiday garbage -- I mean decorations.”
Business owners are still clinging to the idea that the local community will fight for the preservation of the culture around them. This group banded together under a ~quirky~ yet powerful motto: Keep the Saints in All Saints. “On the one hand, a community that has nourished the souls and bellies of locals will forever vanish from the face of the Earth, but on the other hand I won’t have to drive to FSU anymore to knock down some of Chili’s sweet, sweet BOGO margaritas,” philosophized former All Saints Cafe employee Jonathan Hernandez while finishing his application to work line control at 4 Rivers. “Next Gaines Street Fest will just be a bunch of dudes wearing ‘Make All Saints Great Again’ hats talking about how hard they get over novelty birdhouses.”
To capitalize on their new investment, Hobby Lobby has already started producing a series of adult coloring books where people will be able to color in their favorite demolished All Saints locations like Merv’s, Bread and Roses Kitchen, Voodoo Dog and the parking lot that all those businesses depended on for survival. “We’ve strived to build the Hobby Lobby name with a lack of respect for women and the LGBT community, but we really wanted to ‘smash the state’ and evolve into modern day robber barons. The bottom line is we are def gonna make some bank on top of the crumbled dreams of this independent local community.”