2024 Bingo Card
The falling of orange leaves in autumn marks the near end of the 2023 season. A time of stressful finals, annoying roommates, and resenting your non-posting ex on Instagram now that you can’t stalk him and see how horrible his life is without you. Now that the trees are bare, 2024 is fully in swing. Let's take the time now to direct our attention to FSU’s 2024 BINGO CARD. Here, we will discuss the likelihood of seemingly unlikely things that could totally happen on FSU’s campus…
The Campus Preachers. The seemingly least favorite group of all Landis loiterers. It is likely for the 2024 season that one of these campus disturbances will inevitably call upon Christ himself and trigger judgment day. It would be interesting to see where these individuals end up.
Landis Snoggers. On the topic of things on Landis that could cause you trauma, we have the overly excited freshmen couple. They have been in hiding since November of 2023, however, it is highly expected that they will reappear around this month, just in time to have a violent post-Valentine’s Day public breakup, naturally. Expect this couple to practically be humping each other on top of their dorm towels laid out on the green.
Cess Pool Creates Patient Zero. A typical night at Club Recess consists of spilled drinks, vomit, piss, and other mysterious solids and liquids in their pool. It is possible Tallahassee Memorial Hospital will be quarantining anyone who has had contact with the pool water for fear of housing patient zero and possibly triggering the next pandemic. With the increase in temperature over the next few months, viruses like “Chad’s Itch” which lay dormant in the pool will exponentially grow.
Potbelly’s V. Little People of America. Local bar, Potbelly’s, annually holds one of their most popular and controversial events commonly referred to as, “midget fighting.” It is expected, however, that this year the Little People of America will become involved over the use of the politically incorrect term “midget” as well as file a lawsuit over the event itself.
Raunchy Red Rocks. Popular freshmen “bar”, The Tennessee Strip, will likely take its name to a new level of realness. Red Rocks, one of the many bars at the strip, will now formally be known as Get Your Rocks Off. Red Rocks is the ideal choice, due to its design already including stripper poles and freshmen doing the most psychotic things ever seen by human eyes.
CDU X Trisha Paytas Collab. Gen Z idol, Trisha Paytas, could definitely make an appearance in 2024 at Tallahassee’s most popular spot, The Club Downunder. It is predicted she will do a tavern show centered around speed reading to her favorite traveler, and daughter, Malibu Barbie, and soon-to-be-born son, Elvis.
Rooster Puffs Raid. The highly popular Rooster Puff vape shop seems to be catching more than just your stoner roommates’ attention this year, the FBI is feening too. With the rising popularity of Zyns, Rooster Puff’s vape sales have suspiciously stayed consistent. Bets are that an FBI raid on the Tennessee Street location will produce evidence of money laundering and cocaine trafficking.
PETA Threatens to Sue FSU Over the Renegade Abuse Scandal. The last couple of home FSU Football games seem to have caught the attention of the animal rights activist program, PETA. They are rumored to be drafting papers threatening to tear down Doak Campbell Stadium brick-by-brick until FSU officials agree to use a wooden playhorse, specifically one found on Etsy, and release Renegade into the wild.
Cool Maths Games Ban. The go-to middle school gaming site, CoolMathGames, will most likely be banned on FSU wifi. A popular choice made by numerous middle schools around the country and FSU is likely to follow. Fire Boy and Water Girl, as well as Papa’s Pizzeria, have proven to be a distraction to students' learning.
Prezz M. If you are an upperclassman at FSU this year, this may come as no surprise to you. For many, however, this is a blank spot on their FSU Bingo Card. Legend has it that in the wee hours of the night, stumbling students walking back from local bars might be shocked to find President McCullough lighting a J, and freestyling to a DaBaby-type beat in the middle of Landis.
Mrs. Killings Goes Viral on TikTok. Now that Mrs. Killings has entered her #retirementera, it is likely that she will seek the TikTok Creator Fund for some extra cash. Proof will be taking side bets on her doing AI streams thanking people for gifts.
The Health and Wellness Center Starts Prescribing Ozempic to Students Consistently Working Out, with No Results.
FSU Rush Doc. The lack of diversity in FSU sororities will likely be exposed, because, “iT’S 2024 pEopLe,” and the Bama rush exposé of 2023 didn't do it for them.
Gaines Street Chipotle Sued.
Desantis V. McCullough. After Ron Desantis' failed attempt at becoming the POTUS, he’s predicted to do the next best thing. Campaign to become President of Florida State University. Burning Spear, watch out.
Local Crime Solved by Barstool. With the regularity with which people film strangers, 2024 is bound to have a case solved by a DM submission.
Paint-a-Pot Scandal. The name and point of the establishment seem suspicious. It wouldn't be surprising if the “pots” being painted were perhaps cannabis bowls. The company's regular sponsorships of CDU events lead to the belief that Paint-a-Pot could be a cover for campus cannabis smuggling. They are just a little too happy…
Student Union Undergoes Construction… Again
Tsunami at Cess. It seems probable that if the DJ at Cess plays the song “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” by ABBA, a tsunami could ensue from the violent shaking of the dance floor.
New Security Methods at Strozier. Recent upgrades haven't seemed to stop students from smuggling their friends into the library. Facial and fingerprint recognition will likely be installed. Big Brother is always watching.
Market Wednesday Makes History. With the numerous items being sold each Market Wednesday and various vintage stands, National news outlets are soon to hear of a million-dollar item sold at one of the weekly Market Wednesdays.
FSU Goddess Revealed. She’ll give the lowdown on the Usher halftime, whip up a text post that makes freshmen to graduate students feel seen, and give it to you straight on which Barbie you are based on your major. We see you, FSU Goddess.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard X FSU. Gypsy Rose seems to be enjoying her time on the road doing press after her recent release from prison, hopefully, she’ll extend her tour to FSU. Makes sense considering the amount of individuals on campus who need help escaping their controlling relationships…
Mrs. Killing's skateboard accident. Heaven forbid.