‘Tis the Season to be Alone: The 2023 Breakup Season Finally Split Up Everyone You’ve Been Actively Rooting Against
For any couple this year that thought, “Wow, we made it through another summer, we’ll be together forever!”, how’s the no contact going? If you’re not living under a rock, you’ve probably noticed that more couples than usual split up this year, specifically throughout the Fall and into the Winter. This shift in breakup season is raising eyebrows everywhere. If you’re single, you’ve probably been anticipating the fallout of these pathetic relationships for some time now. All of the annoying-ass couples that made out in front of everyone on campus, got each other the cheapest promise rings money could buy, and posted ALL of their business online…well, I guess the long Instagram captions were too complicated now. They just couldn’t stand each other anymore. We know you’ve despised these people from the start, we all have, but it’s almost unreal (and kind of sad? No, weird) that they finally split.
Now that these “cutesy duos” and “mom and dads” took each other out of their bios on Instagram, you know the breakup is for real. They spent six years putting up with each other’s weird uncles, whiny siblings, and shitty personalities. Yet, they couldn’t hold it together for Christmas? Seems suspicious to basically everyone. “I’ve noticed all of the long-term couples on campus breaking up recently,” said an anonymous student, “like all my girlfriends said they’re sick of things like skid marks, silver jewelry when they only wear gold, and nights of no contact because the ‘boys need them.’” The student says she always encourages her friends to give them a second, third, fourth, fifth chance, but they always just wanna be ready for Makeout Monday. “But my baby boy and I are just better than everyone else” she continued, “We’ve been together since we were 12, and I’ll never leave him.” They broke up five minutes after this interview, via a text from “Baby Boy🤞❤️😩👩❤️💋👨” Tough blow.
It’s suspected that some clingy couples finally broke up this year because of their sick and twisted relationship dynamics. These poor women were forced to ‘mother’ their boyfriends. Reportedly, they could not handle begging their boyfriends to take a shower anymore and grew tired of their boyfriends asking them to have a threesome with their friends. An FSU frat brother that shall remain anonymous confirmed, “I’m tired of all these females nagging me to shower, when they won’t even let me snap their best friend.” Sounds like these men have the social cues of a five-year-old, but really, who knows? All we know for sure is that they finally realized they were dating literal rats, and needed to climb out of the sewer they fell into. At least now they don’t have to fake-laugh at their boyfriend's awful jokes anymore, and just in time for the holidays!
All in all, these couples were probably just not meant to be. At least you won’t have to see the same insufferable people together anymore. Now, all of the angry singles can help us root against the few nasty couples that made it through the 2023 breakup season. It’s time to be an absolute menace: anytime you hear “Mistletoe” by Justin Beiber, turn it off and start hot-girl sobbing! Anytime you see a Hallmark Christmas movie, throw your iced coffee at the screen! Anytime you see a couple enjoying the Christmas lights at your local park, scream in their face! Be the best hater you can this holiday season.