BREAKING: The Funniest, Smartest, Sexiest Staff Writer is Graduating!

Oh Eggplant, where do I even begin? I found out about this publication two years ago but narrowly missed applications so, being the fangirl freak that I am, I read every single article on the website and began writing my own. I sent my articles to their email, to the point of harassment, and begged them to let me join. By some stroke of luck, I was admitted into this prestigious organization the following semester. Of all my achievements, getting accepted into The Eggplant is the one I’m most proud of (I’m a communications major so it’s not like an extensive achievements list). My love for satire & spreading misinformation began when I found The Eggplant and has only grown since. I have enjoyed forcing my friends to read every article while I cackle over their shoulders.

I think my time as an Eggplant staff writer can be described as a journey of self-discovery. Reflecting on all the shitposts I made about FSU students, I realize now that it was really just me projecting my own insecurities. Looks like I’ll now have to try therapy as a coping mechanism rather than cyberbullying students under the guise of “satirical news.” I did indeed almost take bowling as a course, I am a paint-a-pot regular, and I don’t think I have ever swiped into Strozier successfully on the first try. If this sounds like you, then you can definitely be described as a loser, weirdo, and dork– but just know, you’re not alone. And hey, if you are funny and a decent writer, you just became a little less lame. Maybe consider applying for The Eggplant because they’re gonna need at least 3 more writers to fill my shoes (I’m just so fucking awesome).

Most of the time, parents send their kids to college so they WON’T end up doing stand-up comedy for the rest of their lives at a different crappy bar each week. However, coming to college and being a part of The Eggplant is what made me realize my newfound passion for comedy. I once hoped to be CEO of a food retail conglomerate, but now my dream job is to create funny content for a living. Can’t wait to see how I can leverage being an Eggplant staff writer on my resume to get some gig like (I don’t know I’m just spitballing here) an executive producer for Impractical Jokers. There’s no better feeling than hiding behind this vegetable veil to shitpost FSU but I truly love this university so much. FSU superiority forever, fuck them Gators!!!

It has been so fun to grow as a writer and let’s face it- to become even funnier than I was before starting this journey, and I can’t thank this publication enough for all it has given me. My egg fam, you guys are the funniest mofos I know, thanks for making me cry laughing with all your ideas and well-written pitches. This isn’t goodbye, it’s see ya later suckers!