First-years Forced To Do Laundry in Landis Fountain
Ah yes, the quintessential coming-of-age moment for freshmen dorm crawlers residents -- doing laundry without mommy for the first time. This can be described as humiliating, degrading, embarrassing, and a variety of other synonyms that all mean it sucks ass. From the lint traps that have never been emptied, to the random pair of stranger’s granny panties left behind, or the fact that there are 2 washers and 4 dryers per 100 residents, it can be described as anything except “loads” of fun. With each new class, FSU continues to accept 10x more students than it has room for. There’s not enough parking and not enough washing machines; FSU has really left us out to dry. No literally -- to combat the washing machine shortage, first-years have been forced to do their laundry on Landis.
Students who procrastinate doing their laundry until late at night must take extreme measures. “Well where else am I supposed to wash my clothes?” a first-year named Sarah Duran asks as she tosses a few Tide pods into the Landis fountain and prods at her clothes with a stick. “Sure there may be dog hair, discarded Pots wristbands, piss, and other questionable things in that fountain, but is it really less sanitary than those machines that have probably never been cleaned?” Sarah makes a good point. The Eggplant fact-checkers went to see if Sarah’s claims were true. Turns out she wasn’t exaggerating -- all the machines in Broward Hall were currently in use. Oh, and they also looked like they haven’t been cleaned for decades. It would appear that some students have come up with their own ethically questionable solutions to meet their washing needs. “At the start of the semester, I thought I’d be nice and wait for people to collect their laundry rather than moving it myself. But now I take their shit out mid-wash if there aren’t any machines available,” confesses Kyle Schultz, a Theta Chi pledge residing in Broward Hall. One distressed resident stormed into the cramped laundry room mid-interview and angrily shouted, “Hey! Who touched my freaking clothes? Seriously guys, not cool!” The Eggplant promptly left before things got too heated.
It would appear that the laundry situation is not an issue for all University Housing residents. An RA named Osmosis Jones was seen exiting Landis Hall, so The Eggplant asked for his hot take, “I mean I don’t really have a problem because, like, my mom still does my laundry. I go home once a month with all my dirty clothes. If I run out of clothes I just, like, wear them inside out, that’s basically the same as cleaning it..” Wow, why didn’t we think of that? If it doesn’t smell, you can get another use out of it. Even if it does smell, just smother yourself in Axe or some intoxicating Victoria’s Secret spray to hide the fact you haven’t done laundry, or bathed, in weeks. We were forced to cut the interview short due to Eggplant members feeling nauseous from the RA’s stench.
It is apparent that FSU is full of problem solvers and innovators who are unafraid to tackle college’s greatest challenges and find new creative ways to solve their issues. Maybe there is hope for this generation after all! So there is really no excuse for why you can’t get your laundry done -- stop being a lazy piece of shit and start a load right now!