Op-ed: Hey Starbucks, Maybe Think Twice About Charging Extra for Milk Substitutes

I have many qualms with Starbucks. Where do I even begin? The supply chain issues that cause them to be out of exactly what I want on any given day? Or, perhaps, the inability to spell my name correctly despite it being 5 letters and *almost* impossible to mess up? I can look past all of this, but what I cannot seem to forgive them for is how ridiculously overpriced milk substitutions are. Suddenly, my $6 “tall” latte has turned into $11 plus tax.
There is a reason I get milk substitutions in the first place- and it’s not because I’m a pretentious prick who ENJOYS the texture of chunky oat milk in my coffee. I mean, let’s be real, no one can possibly enjoy that shit. Nor do I like the taste of almond milk– I much prefer a freshly milked cow over a freshly milked nut any day of the week, like a normal person. No Starbucks, you capitalistic swine, I get milk substitutes because my body does not respond well to real milk in my intestinal tract. Believe me, I have tried on many occasions to just “make it work” and it is not a pretty picture. 

However, with inflation and the current state of the economy, I can no longer afford my milk substitutions. I’m working 3 jobs and still taking out student loans to buy eggs at the grocery store. How do you expect me to be able to cough up $11 for my morning coffee and my afternoon pick-me-up? Something has got to give- and it’s going to be the overpriced milk substitutions. With that being said, my shit is on YOUR hands. Starbucks, you have overcharged me one too many times. From now on, I will get whole milk and extra whip so you will suffer the consequences of what that crappuccino frappuccino will do to me. I hope you have Handy Manny on speed dial because you’re going to need him.

Now all of this can be easily avoided if you simply stop charging extra for milk substitutions. Do you think lactose-intolerant people WANT this life?? I can’t even eat ice cream without shitting my brains out!! As if we didn’t suffer enough, you decide you may as well make a quick buck off us too. I can’t even go to a slumber party out of fear there will be pizza there and then the noxious fumes from my bathroom blowout will poison all the guests!! My life is so hard. 

I resent you for a lot of things, but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. So go ahead, upcharge the fuck out of your milk substitutions. But just know it will be at the expense of YOUR bathrooms. Maybe use the revenue from the upcharges to clean it up. You could not pay me enough to clean up after that. Your plumbing bill will double and all your janitorial staff will quit. It will be madness. And to think how easily avoidable this all would be if you stopped making lactose-intolerant folk suffer. (Frother’s Daughter, baby don’t you worry. You can charge whatever you want, you’re perfect).