Breaking News: The Person Swiping for Friends on Tinder Finally Found a Match!

Every person who has been on Tinder has stumbled upon a person who is just there to find a friend on an app literally made for sex. These lonely people are different than the run-of-the-mill meme accounts, plugs, and couples looking for a third. They genuinely are so desperate for friends that they would turn to Tinder but at the same time, for some reason, they can’t just find people on a college campus to talk to. This all changed when one of these poor unfortunate souls finally met their match!

“Yeah, it was honestly such a blessing to find someone who actually wanted to befriend me and didn’t just think I was playing hard to get,” said local lonely person, Hazel Nutts. Nutts had been looking for nothing more than a friend for the past semester after all of their previous pals dropped them “out of nowhere,”  according to Nutts. They continued by saying, “I was at the end of my rope and the only thing going through my mind was that I might have to actually do what I was meant to do on a college campus and put myself out there again– gross. Luckily, I found my perfect match the next day. The best part about making a friend through Tinder was that I had full control over who I was going to end up becoming besties with, and I decided who to swipe right on by looking at their zodiac sign and the three blurry group pictures they had on their page alone.”

Nutts found their match in one Sal Amie, a freshman living off-campus. Amie didn’t really get out much and got Tinder because she heard someone down the hall talking about it during her daily eavesdropping session. “Yeah, Hazie-wazie seemed really down to earth from the pictures they used on their profile of them sitting on Landis and reading different romance books in each one. I’m definitely picking up the vibes that they’re putting down if you get what I mean.” The two decided to meet at the best meet-up spot on campus: the SLC, to see the 3-D showing of Spiderman: No Way Home. While Nutts expressed confusion about the place, Amie described it as “the horniest place on campus” and “the one place I may be seen as normal”.

Tinder may not be an exact science, but to these two, it couldn’t have been more perfect. Nutts has gone on to speak on how everyone who has no other options should try out Tinder. Amie, who was on the app for its intended purpose, agreed while looking like she was on the verge of doing an evil laugh. We can rest easy knowing that even the loneliest of people in Tallahassee can find someone that they pretend fits their needs through an app that spreads STDs. If you find yourself looking like a loser for having no friends in college, don’t hesitate to risk your dignity even further by looking for friends on a dating app.