Eggplant Horoscopes February 2022
New year new everything! Everyone and their momma has COVID, the vape vending machine at Bull’s is working, and your roommate got back together with her high school boyfriend. It’s almost like nothing has changed, but we know better. We know that this is the year that everyone takes charge of their own lives and does the damn thing. Nonetheless, The Eggplant’s team of astrologers is here to give you a little look into what February holds.
Aries: While you may be known for the demonic entity that possesses your body whenever a car cuts you off on the free-way, February will have you showing off your softer side. The new moon on the first will light up your social life and attract possible lovers. You have a tendency to rush into things, though. So maybe hit the brakes a bit if you see yourself creating a joint spotify playlist with the rando you met at Clyde’s.
Taurus: You just can’t catch a break, can you bae? You like to live life stress free, relieved of all pressure. Go cry about it because you have some positive stressors entering your life in 2022, starting in February. With the full moon lighting up the domestic parts of your life, you may find yourself in a new location, or finally finding a spot in your home to put those five colossal houseplants. Though change is scary, you’ll soon find out that bumping into massive leaves around the house is kind of artsy and environmentally friendly.
Gemini: Ancient Japanese proverb states you have three faces. The first face you show to the world, the second you show to your close friends, and the third is reserved for yourself. But you’re a Gemini, you only have two faces. There is no face reserved for oneself, in your lonesome your head is completely empty. Anything you have ever thought has been given to you by a youtube video essay, nothing you have ever thought is original. The two remaining faces are insufferable to your close friends and family, they keep you around to laugh at you or attack you. Quick! Attack them first before they get the chance! In February, you retaliate and the only thing you can do to stop the noise is steal all of their money and burn your birth certificate. In February, you are now a Leo.
Cancer: You are quite frankly, mommy. Whether it is being the emotional support friend comforting everyone through unhinged nights, or projecting the guilt of your own pain through guilting others during unhinged nights. This is again, mother behavior. And while February continues to see you filled with a flourishing emotional life, it also sees you buckling down on work ventures. Time to woman up, and bring home the bacon this month. Maybe punch a few kids in the face to desensitize yourself too, idk.
Leo: The drama never stops with you, Leo. Hopefully, if you have someone to celebrate with this Valentine’s Day, you pull out all the stops. Your creativity will really shine during the corniest holiday of the year. Make sure you don’t scare away your Tinder match on the second date by bringing a dozen roses and professing your undying love. That might be a little too soon. But, you do you!
Virgo: Hey Virg-babe. It’s okay to be vulnerable. So you know, just because you didn’t hit every one of your sixteen task checklists for your New Year’s resolutions doesn’t mean you are a failure. January has been a can of whoop ass anyway, we can start over in February. With Venus and Mars lighting up your sign at the end of February, single Virgo’s may start to see a boost in their love life. This gives you the perfect opportunity to continue your favorite pastime, overthinking.
Libra: Libra, Libra, Libra! Stop stressing about finding the one by Valentine’s Day. Not everyone on Hinge (yes, we know you’re desperate) works out and we can just leave it at that. It also doesn’t help that you take two business days to respond to yes or no questions. Your goal from January 'till you see us next is to work on your object permanence, it’s 2022, stop ghosting people! We love you though!
Scorpio: Scorpio, scorpio. Ruining your life again, are you? Here is your reminder that it is ok to be happy and there is no need to ruin everything good. You’re perfect, and you’re great at remembering that! Utilize that emotional intelligence to harbor great experiences this month. Instead of scaring all the hoes at the house party by staring intensely and asking questions like, “what does God mean to you,” you can try asking how their day was, but not to be followed by, “no, really, how was your day?”
Sagittarius: Lately, you’ve been wondering if you talk too much. The answer is yes 💜. While you can be the life of the party, watch out this February from oversharing. Try not to go into detail about your sex life during the wrong times. For example: class presentations, baby showers, or in the line of your local ethical coffee shop. Save it all for the health and wellness center. Luckily, as Mercury goes direct on the third and enters Aquarius on the 14th you will see yourself finally utilizing those rusty listening skills.
Capricorn: You sexy bitch. Ya, I’m talking about you! The past year has acted like a flaky friend to you Capricorn, but you have good news coming this February. Once mercury skidaddles out of retrograde on the third, you can finally stop checking your bank account balance each night when the clock strikes twelve. While money doesn’t come magically, best be knowing you will be making some money moves. Hopefully the finances needed will come more easily once the full moon lights up your sign on the 16th. Regardless, remember your worth, which is priceless! Like genuinely zero dollars.
Aquarius: You’re fabulous and you know it. You don’t have to remind the world of that every 5 minutes, but who cares because this month is all about you! The new moon in Aquarius will open you up to creative endeavors that will shock the world and break families apart, or whatever you Aquarians like to do in your free time. Look out for an extra boost in your love life coming later in the month, and remember that healthy relationships are two-sided. I know you like to forget that last bit. It’s okay because you’re still hot and mysterious and special and unique and an activist and smart and humble.
Pisces: Just because it’s about to be your “season” doesn’t mean everything is about you, Pisces. Let the lovers have their time before you start celebrating your lunar cycle on the 19th. Remember to share the spotlight. Do you even know the spotlight’s on you? Or even where you are right now? You just interrupted the climax of a local theater’s performance of “Macbeth” by roaming on stage and are now gazing out into a dark sea of people paying to watch other people pretend to be crazy. Key word here is “pretend.” Bae, get out of your head sometimes. Be present in the moment. That being said, live it up this month! It’s been a long year, you deserve it.