How To Have a Nice Single Valentines Day

So, once again, you have found yourself very single and very bitter on February 14th, the day of all days. Your friends are picking out cheap Shein lingerie that will get them some crazy sex and a UTI all in the same ten minutes, but who needs it! Not you! 

Here are some tips and tricks on how to have a nice Valentine's Day as a Single Person!

  1. Masturbate

    1. I shouldn’t have to explain this one further, but I’m going to. Let’s be honest, no one knows you better than you. Why fight for an orgasm, when you can just give it to yourself in the comfort of your own room? So get comfortable baby and take a trip to your closest, and non-sketchiest, sex shop. I once met a woman who bought a $200 vibrator, and it was so great that we didn’t see her for two full days after the fact. A week later she swore off all men! It’s been two years and I’ve yet to hear from her. So who knows what could happen? The possibilities are endless!

  2. Disassociate

    1. Honestly, you could cross the day February 14th out on my calendar and I wouldn't even notice. Don’t be afraid to sit in your dorm all day and stare out the window as your mind boggles. Let your mouth hang open so your lungs can consistently circulate the flesh-eating bacteria in the air (is that what love really tastes like?). All the while your mom thinks you’re great but no other woman has shared the opinion, at least that’s what you think. Grub 

    2. Robotto Tokyo Grill is like sex on a plate so same thing, right? Wrong, better. Take yourself out to your favorite restaurant and put your head down in embarrassment while the couple next to you literally gets married over their chicken hibachi. Besides, destroying the food on your plate will give you major practice for when you get to destroy some pussy in a decade or two. 

  3. Therapy

    1. Who needs a hot date with Bethany down the hall when you have your childhood psychiatrist, Dr. Rena? While your roommate's bed next door to you creaks and cracks all night, you will be racking your brain for answers. Are you horny or just alone? Maybe both, you sad sack of shit. Who needs the warm embrace of someone when you can connect with Dr. Rena, who oddly resembles your mom… that topic is for next week's session!

  4. Write about being Single

    1. Look, this is a whole new genre of sad but it happens! And whatever you need in order to not take a nap in the middle of Tennesse Street after seeing all the couples having sex in their hammocks this week, so be it! Let the world in on your hopeless and sad endeavors, maybe it’ll make you feel better…? 

  5. Refer back to Number one

    1. Just masturbate. 

Single people at least have one thing over those hand-holding jackasses: it is so embarrassing to be in a relationship. To walk into a restaurant and sit on the same side of the booth? Give me a break. Look, I could sit here and bullshit you that you can have fun and be fine as a single person on the designated day of the year when the world tells you to be happy and in love. But hey, you may as well try. Happy Valentines Day to all the cool single people out there, don’t forget that on the loveliest day of the year there is so much more room for spite!

The Eggplant FSU