SGA Candidate Vows to Fix Strozier Turnstile System and Make Dirac Pay for It

Screen Shot 2019-02-20 at 1.13.54 PM.png

Much like United Legacy’s dumbfounding How To Get Away With Murder-esque twist in today’s SGA election, a student candidate desperate for traction and last-possible-minute attention has risen from the masses to announce his partyless bid for presidency with a single promise: to fund the makeover of Strozier’s beaten down turnstile system with Dirac Library Finances. The lone candidate Douglas J. Towns is aware of the controversy surrounding his campaign, but should he care? His vow to prevent the shattering of pelvises everywhere on those rusty metal bars that seem to hinder the student body’s ability to procreate does sound pretty damn enticing to a combined demographic of dedicated studiers and fascists alike.

“It is to my understanding that we all hate the turnstile system at Strozier. Much like Obamacare, the ID entry swipe system does not work, or at least that’s what my parents tell me. I have friends that struggle everyday with entering Strozier, which decreases their time to study and form quirky study groups at Starbucks. Not to mention the lines the turnstiles create are reminiscent of a queue for the big, strong men’s bathrooms at a Kid Rock concert,” commented Towns as he stapled "Vote Towns For Shutdowns" candidacy flyers directly to the foreheads of unwilling Strozier Starbucks employees. “The slogan refers to my goal of shutting down campus until the murderers, cartel members and librarians in Dirac pay up. The science nerds may have won the Scopes Trial, but I’m winning this election and their money.”

“When I first heard of Dougie’s plan, I was horrified. But after mulling it over during my third hour in line for Strozier, I thought ‘Well, who’s the lesser of the two evils? The supergroup of faceless students with niche promises or one man with a plan that benefits everyone,'” pondered anti-turnstile, continually incorrect FSU ID swiper Julia Macomb as the front desk employees looked on in horror. “Those machines are impossible to figure out, and I don’t hate the thought of Dirac’s only occupants, STEM majors and painfully boring ghosts, suffering at the hands of us ‘fake-studying deplorables.’ It’s about time someone said what we were all thinking and demand a more efficient way of entry. It’s not like Dirac needs the money anyway, science kinda fell off.”

While it is just to say the entire student body experience endless trials and tribulations when entering Strozier, we may not all be on the same page when it comes to forcing innocent librarians to pay money to the ‘benefit’ of another library just because they aren’t so bustling and booming. With the SGA election finally coming to a head, we can only hope our campus is soon helmed by leaders with good intentions, and hope to God it’s not a Drag Race/Critics Choice Award styled tie.

The Eggplant FSU