Free Hand-Holding Voucher Passed out on Landis Green for Lonely Singles
Unless you're a member of the large number of our campus population that cannot maintain a healthy relationship longer than 72 hours, love is certainly in the air. Valentine’s Day is that ever-present reminder that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to convince that chick from your ACG2021 class to agree to go out with you. Luckily, the Single Student Association has found a solution to convince your friends that your Tinder relationship actually succeeded by giving out hand holding vouchers, only redeemable on Valentine's Day.
“As much as I hate being reminded that I truly am forever alone, this voucher gave me a reason to go on with my day. I don't think that any of their members, who are definitely self-proclaimed incels - could be my soulmate, but at least my hands get to keep warm for a bit," commented sophomore Kassidy Heins, a prolific Wattpad writer with a 214 person following of her 180,000-word domestic fluff Star Wars fic. Presently, Heins has jumped between holding hands and walking around with four different students. “I don't know when this voucher expires, but I'm going to get in as much PDA as I can."
“This is quite possibly the best event we've ever come up with. The 'sad and single' demographic is never more prominent than around Valentine’s day," boasted first-year Chad not-a-virgin Terrance, who wore a "hug me, I'm single" shirt that he bought from Walmart. “It’s like those food stands at Sam's Club: give ‘em a free sample and they'll come back for more! The only difference is that you wouldn't hold hands with the person giving you an eighth of a chicken tender. I mean, if you do, that's on you." Terrance fell silent and thought about all of the times he himself had done exactly that.
The coalition of single students has won a surprisingly large amount of attention, with a few members setting updates to hold hands for much longer later this week. This has at least provided some kind of entertainment that isn’t found in seeing overly mushy, newly formed couples making out with far too much aggression in the stairwells of most on-campus buildings. In any case, students seeking a little spice in their lives should make an effort to start things up with the one you’ve been crushing on for the past month by offering a friendly, spontaneous hand to hold.