“I Have No Bones” and Other Excuses to Avoid Valentine’s Dates with Your Not-Quite-Serious-Enough-Yet Partners

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If you have done goofed it like nobody’s business and decided to start dating someone during the period we affectionately like to call “The Pink Danger Zone,” you may be in trouble for the upcoming week. By deciding to date someone too close to Valentine’s Day, you face a dilemma: break up before the relationship officially begins or subject yourself to an overly romantic date before you’ve even adopted creepy pet names that are wildly uncomfortable for those around you. If you’ve inevitably decided things are moving too fast for your independent ass and you’d rather eat discount candy alone than to carry out whatever sinister plans your almost lover has in mind, we’ve come up with some excuses to help you out.

1.) “Sorry, I promised my single friend I’d be there to comfort them.”

This one is a good catch-all: keep it vague and make them feel obligated to agree! If your date tells you that you should be spending that time with them instead, call them insensitive and say you’ve realized your friend might have the right idea.

2.) “Valentine’s Day was just invented by Hallmark to sell cards and chocolates. I don’t think of our almost love as material :/.”

I mean, this one is true. Plus if you tell your date this, they’ll either think you’re super intellectual and aloof, or that you’re really annoying and they’ll dump you before Valentine’s Day. Win-win.

3.) “I have accordion practice.”

High risk with this one. It might sow the seeds that you do in fact play the accordion -which you probably don’t - and your date might ask to hear you play sometime and serenade them like a romantic Italian restaurant in any low-budget rom-com. But if you do play the accordion, it’s the perfect crime… maybe.

4.) “Sorry, I have no bones.”

There’s no way of knowing for sure what your date has planned, but it almost certainly requires having bones. And if it doesn’t, that’s a big red flag to begin with.

5.) “I’d just be thinking of my Great Uncle Jerry the whole time.”

Sure, it’s a bit of a mood killer, but he did die on Valentine’s Day in 2006. And if anything, it’s almost disrespectful that he doesn’t linger in your subconscious more days of the year. If they can’t understand this, then clearly your potential date just doesn’t understand YOU.

6.) “LOL sorry I got waaayyyy too drunk at the pregame”

Feeling sleazy and like hurting someone’s feelings? This one is a classic that tells everyone you know how to drink and don’t really care about someone enough to stop at the functional limit you’ve pushed a few too many times to not be aware of. It’s a double-edged situation, so you may as well look cool as hell to your friends while you do it.

7.) “Do you really love me? Or just the idea of me?”

Use this to get out of anything serious for at least the next week. Even if it’s not relationship related. Does your mom want to visit at some inopportune time? Hit her with the metaphysical guilt. While a valid point, your date - and maybe you too - will trip up in the philosophy of it all. We bet they’ll stay silent, nod and “take some time to figure it all out,” or ask bluntly “What do you really mean by that?” At which point you run away and hide behind a trash can. Are they even self-aware enough for this level of commitment? How could they NOT know what you meant by that?

Hopefully one of these responses will keep your insignificant other at an arm’s length. If none of these seem to work you could always try being honest and just telling them that you’re not ready to move on to that step in the relationship. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, but, then again, that wouldn’t make a very funny listicle now would it?  

The Eggplant FSU