Barely Legal Freshman Willing to Do Whatever It Takes to Get Suitemates to Unlock Bathroom
The dorms at Florida State University have been heralded as “residence halls” that “contain two twin extra long mattresses.” They are an essential part of the college experience - which, for some reason, includes sharing a tiny bathroom with three other people, much to the surprise of freshman Stacy Robertson. Having just celebrated her 18th birthday, she was ready to spend her glory days drinking in the three frat houses that haven’t been suspended yet (never say never!). Before getting into her signature oversized sorority t-shirt and norts (Nike shorts), she needed to rinse her freshly legal body off in a shower with roughly the same square footage of a plus-size coffin. Shower caddy full of Lush products and shower shoes in hand, Stacy was horrified to find that the door was locked - but she was willing to do whatever it takes to get it unlocked.
After several aggressive knocks, she realized this the work of her purely evil suitemates. “They’re literally the worst. No, like, literally. I’ve never actually seen their faces, but they’re always cackling while watching ‘Rick and Morty,’ listening to My Chemical Romance after sniffing poppers and never replacing the toilet paper. One of them is totally cheating on her boyfriend, but it’s whatever. I just need to take a shower. He’s not even cute though. But seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some alone time in a room with excessive amounts of moldy tile grout and extremely thin walls?”
Stacy was willing to do anything to get her suitemates to unlock her door to the bathroom. Step 1 was texting in the suitemates’ group chat after responding “omg didn’t see this” to a week-old request for printer paper (she saw it). Step 2 was slipping a note under their door that said: “I know that guy is tutoring you in more than biology for non-majors.” Fifteen minutes later, her Victoria’s Secret bombshell body mist was all but worn off and the situation grew dire. She decided to seek help from her trusty RA, Tiffani, who dismissed her immediately. “Look, I do not have time for this. I just found a White Claw can that was crushed by a forehead when I was taking the trash out, so that’s my top priority. Plus, Jayden is blasting Young Thug after quiet hours again, and he’s not getting another warning!” she said while typing out a passive-aggressive flyer for her Steve Irwin-themed hall bulletin board.
Being young and blonde, Stacy wasn’t used to being ignored by people other than guys in Astroworld hoodies that say “yuh” unironically. After being in a sorority for two weeks, she knew the meaning of sisterhood - sucking d*ck and raising money for sick kids. The girls who had locked her bathroom were anti-feminists and committing a hate crime that is currently being investigated by FSUPD. So, as all great ‘Nole girls do, she strapped on her Birkenstocks, put her hair into a messy bun, and made a boomerang with the caption “looking homeless today lol!” While being a hot babe down for anything can make her professor round her F into an A, it couldn’t make her suitemates unlock the door.