Brave Hero! Girl Kinda Keeps to Whole30 Diet After Nine Days into January

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As the New Year kicks off, thousands of people are pretending like 2018 never happened as they swear off drinking and spend hundreds on new Lululemon in pursuit of a bikini bod by Spring Break. 2019 marks a time for a fresh start! Some people are training for a 5k while others are simply beginning to make their bed in the morning. But one college girl and true American hero isn’t like the rest. According to her 47-part Instagram story, sophomore and ex-flat tummy tea sponsor Jessica Kipp has not just begun a new diet, but a transformation–and she wants you to know every single detail.

“I’m doing the Whole30 diet. That means I can only eat foods that don’t contain sugar, grain, dairy, alcohol, legumes, so pretty much anything with flavor. To be completely honest, I had to google what a legume was. I’ve definitely never paid attention in any science class I’ve ever taken,” Kipp giggled into her iPhone X camera, as she showed Instagram Live her plate of five grapes, two egg whites and eight almonds. “I’ve never been a big girl per se, but I’ve had these extra five pounds I’ve been dying to shed, so I figured, why not start now? I like to think of it as less of a diet and more of a lifestyle. It’s not even that hard. I only get cravings at night when I smoke weed with my roommates and get the munchies. I don’t log that part though. It doesn’t count if I’m under the influence… and Whole 30 says I can’t drink, but happy hour is on Friday, and I might give myself a cheat day for that. No alcohol for a college student is a little too much, don’t ya think?”

“She’s never gonna last. We both made it our goal to lose five pounds this year, and I’m the only one using a realistic plan of doing so,” announced Kipp’s roommate, Claudia Morgan, as she unwrapped a Weight Watchers muffin and shoved the entire thing in her mouth, “My best friend’s step-mom lost like 25 pounds and all her emotional baggage with Weight Watchers, so I figured I’d give it a go. Jess wants you to think she’s sticking to the plan by posting pics all over her Instagram and Pinterest, but I see right through that little skitch. I found pizza crust under the couch cushions the other night and our other roommate is deathly allergic to gluten, so it had to be Jess.” Smiling through the muffin crumbs spewing out of her mouth, Morgan continued, “But I guess a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. 2019 is all about self-love and I fully support whatever Jess is up to!”

While Kipp’s followers will eventually catch on to her when the 30 days are up and she hasn’t shed a single pound or successfully ascended to Nirvana, but her fun and quirky Instagram updates will never die. For the girls and guys trying to stick to a resolution, the most effective way of accomplishing a New Year’s resolution is to never tell anyone about it. That way if you fail, no one will ever know you even tried.

The Eggplant FSU