Investigative Report: How Are the Nerds at the ASLC Having so Much Sex?

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The hallowed institution of Florida State University has always strived to make sure that its students feel safe and welcome no matter where they are on campus – even though, at any given moment, 90% of the student body still feels like they don't belong. In particular, the Askew Student Life Center has become a refuge for the gamers, cinephiles, and straight-up nerds on campus. According to Lizzie Horowitz, one of the receptionists at this officially-recognized “gamer z0ne,” the one thing that no one expected is for these anime bodypillow-loving, lore-obsessed dweebs to know how to fuck (XD).

“I love just being able to come to college and be my true, sexy self. I’ve definitely made a lot of kinky, cool friends here during our late nights just ‘vibing”’ under the glow of the Grindhouse Cafe’s neon lights,” said Horowitz, sexting away on her 2015 Samsung Galaxy A3 to the background sounds of a ten-hour stream of Super Mario Odyssey. “Everyone here is just turned on all the time and the university is paying for it. How can we not be with so many couches just laying around unoccupied for a majority of the day, ready to be turned into a sex den? If you ask for a pass for the advanced screening to ‘Hotel Transylvania 3,’ that’s code for ‘meet me in the handicap stall for 30 seconds of fun' because that's all any of us can last for. Damn you, excessive amounts of energy drink!”

“Maybe the pent of up sexual tension of everyone not having sex in high school just became so overwhelming that once everyone got in the same room, it became impossible to not be a freak. They're all just trying to collect their experience points every second of every day and it’s horrifying. All I wanted to was to play some Smash but now I’m really worried about what they think that means,” said innocent bystander Jimmy Franklin, hiding behind the makeshift Paint-A-Pot stand to avoid making eye contact with the horny animals asking everyone if they’ve seen the newest copy of their zine. “I went to a film committee meeting once and it was just them sensually reading an IMDB list of the most obscure, crusty films from the 90s. I think before I walked in they were definitely doing it on a ‘Citizen Kane’ poster.

With most of SGA's budget going toward restocking the condom dispensers in that place every 90 minutes, it's about time someone started asking how these dweebs became such goddamn freaks in the sheets, the streets, and that chat thing where you talk to other horny gamers on a headset. Horowitz confirmed that there are plans to purchase VR headsets where players can exclusively immerse themselves those weird anime hentai games, so it’s just any second now before that building gets so hot it just melts through to the center of the earth. Go and buy some overpriced Dippin’ Dots from the concession because these nerds are finally hitting puberty and it’s rated T for Teen.

The Eggplant FSU