Op-Ed: I Supported the Government Shutdown Because I Thought It Meant School Was Cancelled
In a surprising turn of events for the man who has spent most of his adult life insisting to various intimate partners that size does not matter, the current administration began what is now tied for the longest government shutdown on record. Amidst the presents, holiday treats and family-induced binge drinking, those not connected to the 800,000 government workers to be either furloughed or to work without pay indefinitely may have barely even noticed. After all, the Elf on the Shelf isn’t going to just rearrange himself every night. But all is not lost, as the nation’s best and brightest collegiate scholars were on high alert. Of course, this was only to determine if their state school would actually make them come back in two weeks.
“I’ve got organic chemistry this spring, so you can imagine how excited I was when I heard that xenophobia had finally risen high enough to shut down the entire American government,” noted sophomore Jessy Beale. “I mean, I’m cool with Mexicans. I’d literally die for a Chipotle bowl, you know? But I’ll support human rights violations at the border by the country supposedly setting the standards for the free world if it means I get one more week at home with my dog!” shouted Beale, holding up a chihuahua that you just know her family dressed in a poncho and sombrero for Halloween. “I’m a little worried about my federal financial aid dropping, though. What else am I gonna use to cover all the margs I’ll be intravenously absorbing into my bloodstream during my spring break cruise to Cancun?”
“Oh, 100% this is just a scheme for the government to stockpile as many water bottles as possible for the end days. The machines just play cartoons on our side,” said Tallahassee ‘International’ TSA agent Leonard Miller. “But I’m telling you, this shutdown is some bullshit. Normally, I just have to watch out for the occasional fuckhead who somehow still thinks you can keep your shoes on walking through these bad boys,” said Miller, gently caressing a scanner that has seen far too much in its short life, “But now I’ve got to worry about the precious feelings of Uncle-Don-Jon-who-hates-everyone-from-Tijuan(a).” Miller lamented further, stating, “I thought paying $16 for lunch at the terminal was bad, but at least back then half of the country wasn’t running like a McDonald’s at 2 AM, broken ice cream machine, crackheads and all.”
While hell has frozen over at least seven times in the last two years, it is still fully operational, ensuring that all students will be back in school for the time being. So, say goodbye to any hope that syllabus week was just a mirage and take comfort in the fact that your government isn’t racist; they just hate all immigrants and even want to create barriers for refugees seeking asylum. And for those of you who supported the shutdown in order to “build that wall,” one can only hope you asked for a lot of forgiveness over the holiday season from the brown man born as a lowly member of a persecuted class while his parents jumped through administrative hoops put in place by an authoritarian ruler.
Several ways to support those who are undocumented or seeking asylum:
https://firrp.org/ (Florence Immigrant & Refugee Rights Project)
https://sanctuarycaravan.org/donate (New Sanctuary Coalition)