Freshmen Looking to Rush Frats with Highest Rates of Dropped Disciplinary Action

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Hold onto your Ray Bans, boys, it’s everyone with a blond combover and a dream for a "fiscally conservative but socially liberal" tomorrow’s favorite time of year: IFC rush week. After a year of controversy surrounding the practices and customs of Greek Life on FSU’s campus, this season’s recruitment process is sure to be more selective than ever with possible pledges going in with their own preferences as to which uber-platonic man tribe they want to align their boat shoes with for the rest of eternity. A big factor on the radar of several of these eager youngsters, however, hasn’t to do with whether or not houses have an indoor mud pit or follow a sustainable recycling program, but rather, which chapter has the highest rate of dropped disciplinary action.

“I’m here for a long time AND a good time – within reason, of course,” said FSU freshman Brett Connor while ironing pleats into his khaki pants. “There’s a lot of talk going around regarding how likely we are to get in actual trouble while belonging to different frats. It’s definitely something I’m thinking about during rush, mainly because the thought of John Thrasher personally reprimanding me gives me the heebie-jeebies. My other big concern is whether or not there’s space in the driveway for my Prius, but that can be addressed later on, I suppose.”

Older members of Greek Life, however, are not so happy about the different views from their potential brothers. "It's just super disrespectful to the system as a whole, y'know? Some of us put in years of doing mindless tasks to get out of any possible consequences for our actions," said junior and winner of nine flip cup tournaments, Dirk Corksoaker, as he proceeded to do a squat near a hole in the wall that one of his brothers punched after a power outage caused a delay during the season finale of Ballers. "Last year, we had to get an entire fifty signatures on WeThePeople in order to not be suspended for throwing beer cans around Heritage and telling people that it's OK to not recycle. It was agonizing but it built character."

Although the new state of mind held by many rushers is concerning to those already solidified in the establishment, it's clear that there will always be room for hijinks amongst FSU’s muscle-tee aficionados. Whether or not future members find themselves pledging to the house of their dreams in which having reasonable consequences for unreasonable actions is nowhere in sight, one thing is certain: they will make plenty of connections that are sure to come in handy once they are looking for someone to employ them at a knife-selling company that is absolutely not a pyramid scheme.

Editor's Note: If anyone is interested, the scorecards for every Greek organization is public record and anyone can take a look at them!

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