In a world where Dolly Parton can have as many pop features as Quavo and Reba McEntire can convincingly dress up as Colonel Sanders’ creepy animatronic twin, it is easy to understand why more and more Americans are tyin’ up their chaps and fervently denying their white privilege as a way to embrace the good ol’ country lifestyle. People everywhere are incorporating classic cowboy lingo into their everyday vernacular, including FSU sophomore Kate Boulder, whose fascination with the old frontier has escalated a bit too much for her friends’ comfort.
“Kate used to spend her days like any other girl, you know...painting her nails, beekeeping, reading controversial manifestos, stuff like that. Now, she wastes all her time chewing on strands of grass she found outside and throwing lassos at our cat. It’s an obsession,” said Kate’s roommate and fellow sophomore Taylor Urban while folding her eighth pair of athletic leggings from her laundry pile. “We used to all laugh when she would sporadically respond with a ‘yeehaw’ whenever she got excited. But then it started to spiral out of control. We really got worried when she screamed it at the UberEats delivery man after he got our order completely right.”
But the strange behavior did not stop there. Taylor and her other roommates really got concerned when they saw Kate at DSW with a suspiciously large box in her cart. When they decided to approach their flannel-clad friend, they were met with their absolute worst nightmare. “When I spotted those lassies over yonder, I just knew they weren’t gonna like what I had in my barrow. I tried to run out the store, but my spurs set off the metal detector,” Kate recounted, polishing her leather stirrups with leftover grease from her KFC lunch bucket. “This is the new and improved me. If they don’t wanna be ol’ partners anymore, well, they can giddy-up outta my life.”
With an attitude like that, it is quite easy to understand why Kate is so attracted to this wild, wild way of life. However, Taylor and her friends want Kate’s story to be used as a cautionary tale about the dangers of exposure to ironic western lingo and occasional toothpick chewing. Next time your friend playfully greets you with ‘howdy,’ just remember Kate’s horrifying evolution from being a normal, sweet girl to an assertive, horseback riding, squinty-eyed rancher. The country way of life may not be for everyone, but there is one thing everyone can agree on, and that is that cowboy hats look universally terrible on every head shape.