Local Woman Indulges in Watching Muted Facebook Friendaversary of Distant Acquaintances

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With half of the Spring semester already completed, students can finally take a moment for themselves and enjoy a much needed break from schoolwork. Popular leisure activities include working out at the university’s fitness centers, watching Netflix at home and sunbathing alone on Landis as a multitude of golden retrievers display better social skills than you ever will. However, not all students can agree on the best way to avoid thinking about their responsibilities. One FSU junior, Teresa Wilde, revealed that her favorite pastime includes crawling into bed with a jar of peanut butter, no utensils and an entire archive of saved Facebook friendaversary videos from people she hasn’t spoken to since middle school.

“Things get so busy; it’s nice to stop once in awhile and voyeuristically watch Facebook’s algorithm of meaningless friendship,” Wilde shared while shamefully muting a Friendaversary video so her roommates couldn’t pinpoint the oddly triggering beat. “This one is the 10 year Friendaversary between my childhood summer camp counselor and her cousin who I have never met but seems really cool because she has a tattoo of that little bald chick from Netflix,” the junior explained, screenshotting the statistic that the duo have liked each other “17 times to be exact.”

“We didn’t really think much of Teresa’s affinity for these cutesy collages of terrible photos from 2011,” explained roommate and best friend Sierra Bedard, who was scrolling past a recipe video that combined an entire pack of pork franks, a five cheese blend and a can of cinnamon rolls. “But when she remembered to wish her mom a happy Facebook Friendaversary and not her actual birthday, we knew we had to intervene. I recruited my boyfriend, who’s a computer wiz and not completely horrible at sex, to install some sort of tricky child-lock on her computer. Now if she so much as hovers over one of those infernal videos, her computer screen will develop a blinding glare and a 10 hour loop of Borat saying ‘My Wife’ will play without interruption.”

Since being forced to turn a blind eye to her legal but distasteful guilty pleasure, Wilde has switched gears to other forms of social media to impose on the lives of her acquaintances. Taking it upon herself to share customizable Cosmo quizzes on Snapchat and tagging her sixth grade classmates in ‘Salad Fingers’ Instagram memes, Wilde has seemingly filled the void left by the cut & paste photo compilation videos.