Professor Comes Out as Straight Ally

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Move over anyone who thinks they're Woke™, there’s a new activist taking little gay campus hearts by storm. Professor Charles Jones has bravely stepped into the spotlight as a champion for the poor, voiceless LGBTQ students of Florida State University by coming out as a straight ally in the middle of his IFS4200 course titled “I’m Socially Liberal but Fiscally Conservative.” This was completely unexpected by anyone who didn’t bother to tune him out after he introduced himself as “Chuck” on the first day of class. Never in the history of Florida State University has anyone ever done anything as amazingly non-milquetoast for the LGBTQ community since the Center for Leadership & Social Change shoved a gender-neutral bathroom in the back of its building.

“I know it's hard to believe but I’m not a hero,” Jones explained, spinning fervently back-and-forth in his desk chair like a neo-glib child who knows damn well he made the coolest drawing of a dinosaur in art class. “But I just want you to know that after years of watching shows like ‘The Fosters’ and ‘Orange Is the New Black’ I almost broke down in tears when I got to look at a real life transgender student yesterday. It was moving to watch a regular shmegular teenager sitting in class and playing Neopets while ignoring my declaration of love for ‘Paris is Burning’ and unrelated stories about my one gay friend who does drag.”

"Normally I'm not one for giving congratulatory ass-pats to a guy who thinks he's a saint for looking at us with big ol' googly eyes but for a straight, white cisgendered man, he's definitely the kind of guy we need to represent us on campus," said junior Max Keebler as he handed the professor a pin that said 'Pride <3's Your Performative Bullshit' on it. "Everyone thought that dude was nothing but a walking piece of cis-white guilt propaganda. If it wasn't about accepting LGBTQ students, then it was the fact that he owns guns but doesn't shoot people. It's like, we get it. You're like a diet republican. But now that he’s come out as an ally, we finally have what we’ve been looking for: validation from a man who means almost nothing to us.”

Following Jones' completion of Allies & Safe Zones training, a new bronze statue of himself draped in a rainbow flag with "STR8 ALLY" scribbled all over will be replacing the Eppes Statue to usher in a new era of mediocre social justice activism. There's even talks of including a plaque that reads "This statue was erected (lmao) to celebrate our straight savior and newfound gay icon, Charles 'You Can Call Me Chuck' Jones."

If you’re looking to support LGBTQ students on campus, you can find a comprehensive list of the Pride Student Union’s upcoming events here: