Unseasonal humidity and artificially-scented vape smoke are not the only things in the air on FSU’s campus this week. That’s right - love is on everyone’s mind this Valentine’s Day, reminding all couples that no matter how much you actually care, nylon balloons and gross Russell Stover chocolates from your local CVS are the only societally valid ways to show just how much you adore that special someone. With the ultimate goal of achieving monumental levels of Twitter-fame and simultaneously making single people come to terms with their seemingly everlasting loneliness, lovebirds everywhere are surprising their significant others with gifts in the most peculiar of places. For FSU junior Violet Finkle, the sight of a mysterious note outside her Ford Focus was enough to make her heart burst out of her sad, feeble chest, until she realized it was actually just another parking citation.
“I had just gotten out of my ‘History of the Fiddle’ class when I saw a note waiting for me outside my windshield. My last romantic interaction was in the 7th grade when I asked the boy that sat next to me in Geography to circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if he wanted me to make him a duct tape wallet,” she recounted while ferociously ripping petals off of a plastic rose. “Yeah … he said no. So, when I saw that paper folded up in a cute envelope, all of my emotions came rushing through. It took 10 whole minutes before I could see through my tears and open the damn thing.” One could only imagine the excitement she felt in that moment as cars ferociously honked at her to back out of her parking spot. But all of that came violently crashing down once Violet actually opened the envelope from her supposed admirer and found that it was not a Valentine gram at all, but rather, a parking citation.
“It was definitely a soul-crushing moment for her. As a friend, I did everything I could to make her feel better, but the truth is that I have a boyfriend and this year he got me one of those giant eight-foot teddy bears, so I couldn’t really relate to her situation,” said Violet’s best friend Tamara Brocoff as she struggled to situate the aforementioned stuffed animal in a non-coital position. “Things got worse when she realized that this was actually her ninth ticket, meaning that she now owes the school approximately 34 meal swipes worth of money. This is really gonna make a dent in her ‘sad Friday night’ wine and Papa John’s budget.”
While the day of Saint Valentine may have lost its religious origins, the spreading of love every February 14th has solidified itself in American consumerist culture so deeply that even the Lifetime channel has churned out a couple V-Day-themed flicks in their signature, cringe-filled fashion. While not everyone may be getting a Valentine this year, it is vital to remember that Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark to suck every last penny out of our pathetically vain, dirty paws and also to never, ever park butt-first in the Call Street Garage.