While most students in your literature class are just kind of going off what the last person said, some of the dweebs who actually do the assigned reading show up ready to discuss whatever novel you avoided in high school. One student, however, proved just how dedicated she was to talking over her classmates on Monday afternoon in her American Authors Since 1875 discussion class. After slipping off her Toms, English major Tara Pied placed her copy of "As I Lay Dying" on the floor and proceeded to flip through chapter three using her big toe, leaving her hands free to wave around while she talked about Faulkner as if he wasn't a precocious, pipe-smoking know-it-all.
“First of all, I spend $130 a week on my pedicure, so jot that down,” stated Pied, who had her leg behind her head while running her toes through her hair. “I NEED my hands free to emphasize my extremely mundane and loud thoughts on this dead white guy’s writing style. There’s no way I could keep everyone’s attention without seemingly putting on a shadow puppet show. I’m just very passionate about outdated, arbitrary literature. Also I’m an Aries.”
Although she claims to have never tried any sort of foot stuff in bed, Pied seems more than comfortable flaunting her oddly muscular crab-claw toes to her classmates as she carefully avoids getting her toe ring caught on the page corners and pauses her monologue every fifteen seconds to lick her toe. But while the silly antics with her 20 digits seemed harmless enough, things got out of hand (ha) last week when one innocent class goer fell victim to Pied’s inflatable-noodle-outside-a-used-car-dealership nonsense.
“She accidentally elbowed me in the face and gave me a bloody nose. I had to go into the first floor Williams bathroom, where I slipped in someone else’s piss,” added Tara’s classmate Dorian Offwhite, as he scratched at the bandages over his very young and beautiful nose. “I guess it’s my own fault. She always sits in front of me so I should have known better than to lean forward while the professor was asking for someone to explain the significance of alliteration in the novel we’re reading. Words like ‘repetition’ and ‘emphasis’ really set Feets McGee off, and ever since I posed for a painting my studio art major friend did last week, I’ve been pretty sluggish.”