Wellness Center to Diagnose Student With “Not Sure But Hopefully It Won’t Get Any Worse”

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Happy flu season! While some students only end up with the sniffles despite marinating on a campus full of bed bugs and library chairs from the 50s, several others end up with a new strain of some painful and FSU-branded mutant virus. Students are flocking by the hundreds to the FSU Health and Wellness Center demanding answers for their sore throat, persistent coughs and strange rashes only to be sent away with a diagnosis of, “Hmmm...you know, it could be a number of things. Just keep taking Tylenol and hopefully it doesn’t get any worse.”

“Everytime I cough, the hives that are covering my stomach burn and I hear a beeping noise in my left ear,” laments freshman Trevor Weller sprawled along the triage waiting room chairs using all of their community tissues. “The lady on the phone told me the next open appointment wasn’t until after next year’s Christmas, so I guess I’m just gonna have to wait it out here until then,” he groaned before announcing, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go beg on my hands and knees for the receptionist to swab my throat.”

“That kid has been laying in those chairs all day, it’s the least I could do,” informed triage nurse Courtney Bonaguidi after asking Weller a series of medical questions that only led to more uncertainty and prodding into Weller’s personal life. “I am 100% confident I’ve seen this before; this strain is very common in college freshman who think it’s ok to not shower after being thrown up on at the Strip. But in terms of what his diagnosis is, well, it could really be anything, so the CVS by his dorm is going to be his new best friend and hopefully it’ll just kinda sort itself out.” 

Thanks to the resilient nature of these young students’ immune systems, the virus often sizzles out after getting caught by everyone on their floor. As a community, all we can do is support these freshman getting passed around from walk-in clinic to walk-in clinic like a cheap bong and reassure them that it probably won’t last longer than football season, which is most likely the cause of everyone’s nausea and heartburn.

The Eggplant FSU