Student Asked to “Watch My Stuff” Engages in Pay-Per-View Smackdown With Hooded Perpetrator

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As OndaRay OuseyRay sat down at the last Strozier Starbucks booth on Thursday, a fellow student at the neighboring booth asked, “Hey can you watch my stuff? I’m just running to the bathroom real quick!” At this, OuseyRay immediately abandoned the civil engineering homework she spent three hours not doing and began warming up her signature ground and pound with a mysterious old man in an all black cloak, who up until this point had been skulking in the back corner of the Starbucks.

“When I was a little kid, my third uncle got drunk and told me I could be the best in the world and I see no reason to doubt that statement,” said OuseyRay as she judo threw an underpaid Starbucks barista on the ground, who immediately thanked her for saving them from the passive aggressive drink orders they would be forced to take after running out of hot water. “I was glad I started warming up immediately because it wasn’t long before I locked eyes with the guy from the game cover of Assassin’s Creed. I knew he was trouble the second he did a double take at this girl’s torn Jansport from Tilly’s that was bought in 2013, and there was no way I was letting him anywhere near her Five Star notebook that’s been in use for three semesters.”

“My bloodline traces back five hundred years to the Assassin’s Creed,” stated the hooded perpetrator as he put some Neosporin and a Spider-Man bandage on one of the many boo-boos OuseyRay inflicted upon him. “It was my destiny to steal a glitchy 2014 Lenovo covered in an assortment of free Patagonia stickers, and because of her, I failed. Now I must return to Italy to aimlessly scale buildings without a used iClicker and eraser-less mechanical pencil. Damn you, OuseyRay!”

The student whose stuff it was reportedly returned from the bathroom to find OuseyRay holding the Assassin’s Creed guy in her patented Triangle Toe Armbar Choke, and just stood there awkwardly because she didn’t actually expect anyone to try to take her belongings. Luckily, OuseyRay sustained no major injuries from the fight and will be appearing on The Wendy Williams Show in the upcoming week to speak about how this experience inspired her to drop out of school and become a full-time Mortal Kombat DLC character.

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