Women who were once your average run-of-the-mill middle school tormentors have all grown into upstanding philanthropic women since joining their college sororities. These principled women, who were once suspended for taking pictures of girls through the cracks in the school bathroom stalls on their Motorola Razrs and posting them to Myspace, now pride themselves in taking part of an event that honors children. With a new year of Venmo solicitation for Dance Marathon donations, a fresh group of over-eager participants infiltrated your Facebook news feed after being chosen as Morale Captains for DM 2018. Among the miracle makers is none other than the girl who caused an actual bone in your body to snap and who mercilessly teased you in the 6th grade.
“Before I joined a sorority I didn’t think twice about my actions. I was only representing myself then, but now that I have letters on my chest my actions speak for an entire organization of fine young women who also tormented chubby girls in high school,” shared middle school mean girl and newly appointed Morale Captain Rebecca Coutts while checking notifications of an “anonymously” made Facebook page devoted to hating obvious legacies in her sorority. “If I do something terrible now, it reflects badly on all of us and the last thing I need is a mandatory sober social with ugly ass guys. ”
“Isn’t the Morale Captain supposed to be a joyful and radiant person? I mean they are dealing with very sick children and need to know how to handle those situations,” nervously asked sophomore Kimberly “Naive” Jones, who wore dinosaur Silly Bandz until the 10th grade. “I knew Rebecca Coutts in middle school, and when I didn’t want to go to her sleepover she broke my arm on the side of a vending machine, spit in my face and told me I was the ugliest girl at our school. Eventually when I went to one, it turns out she invited me just so she and her friends could cut chunks of my hair off in my sleep.”
Although Coutts feels no remorse for having broken a few bones and fueling several kids’ deep insecurities they have carried with them into their adult lives, that doesn’t mean she can’t post pictures dancing with sick children she absolutely would have tormented when she was their age. “Celebrities have been more and more public about doing volunteer work. I’m trying to be like an Angelina kind of person in my humanitarian work,” Coutts added as she slid into her hookups’ DMs with her DM donation link promising she’d show up to Strozier in matching bikinis with her super hot, traumatized little if she reached $10.