Inebriated Friend Group Experiences Spiritual Awakening in Uber Conversation

After an hour of finding the perfect balance between pregaming like there’s no fucking tomorrow and respecting Degraff’s quiet hours, freshmen Alyssa Sutton, Mike Vasquez, Liz Towe and Ben McClendon were ready for a night to wait in line for Coli longer than actually being inside Coli. They threw away their shot glasses crafted from aluminum foil so they wouldn’t have to do dishes later, and stumbled out of Degraff to find their Uber. The inebriated friend group reported to have expected nothing from the ride except a moderately priced ride to Coliseum and a passive-aggressive fight on splitting the cost, but had never prepared for what was to come next.

“So what’s, like, your wildest Uber story?” slurred Sutton who had somehow already lost her wallet for the second time that night. Driver Burt Shaffer scratched a tally with his nail into his dashboard, marking a total of 59 people who asked that question since he started Ubering a week ago.

“Well, there was this guy who kinda looked like that Justin Beaver kid that my daughters love. Right after I asked him for his autograph, he put a gun up to my head and forced me to drive to the bank to do the worm in front of everybody there. It was really embarrassing.” Shaffer replied pensively while offering the group free water, gum and a look at his autographed copy of Justin Bieber’s hit album “My World 2.0” signed “Matt.”

Miss Towe couldn’t remain silent after being so moved by Shaffer’s tale. She swallowed her pride and opened up. “You know, something very similar to that actually happened to me,” she choked out. “And I’ve never told you all even though you’re my best friends.” She gestured to everyone in the 2008 Honda Civic, including Shaffer. The friend group who had just met the week before at a Degraff hall meeting embraced and sobbed into each other's arms, smelling and caressing each other’s hair.

“I don’t know what it is about late night cab rides, but for some reason, everyone treats it like the girls’ bathroom at a club. They’re all about unity and supporting each other and being ok if their friend accidentally gets pee on the seat. It’s really beautiful in its own way,” said Shaffer while wiping away a tear and some pee off of his backseat.

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