UF Athletic Department Commissions New Cups to Fit Football Players’ Tiny, Tiny Nuts

Following widespread steroid usage among the Gator football team stemming from former starting quarterback Will Grier’s failed drug test, the UF athletic department announced Wednesday that they must now fund the creation of new athletic cups to help protect the team’s itty bitty nuts. Officials say the problem was brought to their attention when several players described their athletic cup situation as being similar to, “a ping pong ball bouncing around the hull of an aircraft carrier” and even, “A frozen rock, hurtling through the infinite vacuum of space.”

“Even though Grier got caught, we’ve still had plenty of motivational speakers come in and explain to us the steroid process,” said back-up quarterback Treon Harris. “A few years ago Tebow was giving us pep talk before games, but now we get the likes of Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds explaining exactly how shriveled and raisin-like your diddles get when you use steroids. But steroid use is actually a long-honored tradition here at UF. Our mascot used to be a puny little salamander, but it roided up and became the muscular but small-nutted alligator you all see today.”

Unfortunately, the project has been put on hold in its early stages due to a funding controversy. The $20 million originally allocated to the project was intended to overcome the extreme difficulty of creating athletic cups for such truly infinitesimal nuts. However, further inquiry revealed that the money was wrongfully appropriated. “We won't give up,” said UF president Kent “This Guy” Fuchs. “Our players need their petite nuts protected, and I'll lie to any health-and-human-services or Loretta-Lynch motherfuckers any day if that's what it takes.”

Meanwhile, FSU’s athletic department has recently commissioned a similar project: the recycling of all the plastic in the “Garnet and Gold goes Green” bins outside the stadium in order to create one Mega-Cup XXL for Dalvin Cook. “It was becoming kind of an issue. Coach Fisher’s been telling everyone I’ve been slowing down on some runs because of an injured hamstring, but that’s not actually it,” said Cook, adding that he wasn’t worried about being caught by Gator defenders because of his zig-zag running style. “My legs move so fast that they create a lot of heat in my pelvic area, and it gets unbearable on my unusually large balls sometimes, so this Mega-Cup XXL will be equipped to help soothe that issue. I'm not sure though, I'll have to ask Devonta Freeman and Kelvin Benjamin how they dealt with it.”