“We Will Make the World Great Again,” Says Symbiote-Suited Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a whirlwind press conference on Thursday, President Trump declared that his presidential ambitions were too vast for one being, and that it was “time for us to feast.” He then surrounded himself in black liquid that coalesced around his skin and clothing, unleashed a demonic screech, and set a precedent as the first politician in history to bond with a symbiote.

“Frankly, we are starving,” the president muttered, flicking his now-extended tongue across rows of jagged teeth. “We have been so patient for so long. Too long, some are saying. We said, ‘wow, look at how hungry we are,’ but Biden’s leftist agenda never let us eat Peter Parker. None of the symbiotes would have ever bonded with Crooked Hillary or Sleepy Joe.” The president then promptly devoured a White House aide in one bite and leapt from the podium onto the ceiling.

It is still unknown how the symbiote is impacting President Trump’s decision-making, with some commentators speculating that it could be influencing his decisions about Iran. “He’s always been a bomb-first, ask-questions-later kind of guy,” said Edward Brockman, a political historian at ESU. “But to refer to yourself as ‘we’ and talk about licking the enemy’s bones clean? That’s a whole new ballgame.”

Scientists and politicians alike are unsure of how to deal with Trump’s newfound power, with some saying it might be better to let the symbiote run its course rather than trying to separate the two. “We, frankly, are Venom. And you are a pathetic, ugly little loser. Isn’t that right, folks?” Trump asked, shooting out black tendrils from his arms to swing across the city. At the time of this article, Spider-Man and the Democratic Party have been unable to reach for comment.