Bisexual People Just Gonna Have To Choose Soon

BUSHWICK, NY — After catching accusations of biblical-level greed, the world has unanimously voted for bisexual-identifying individuals to just hurry up and choose one already.  “Those people get everything,” a source complained. “Wired headphones, Rachel Sennott, Geese — there has to be something off-limits to them.” Certain areas are being limited to visitors in an attempt to aid in the movement. Coffee shops with prices higher than $8.50, pretentious record shops, and self-proclaimed “vintage” stores will be operating during abridged work hours as these gluttonous citizens make their decision.