Golden Retriever Boyfriend Euthanized

The sleepy town of Denver, Mississippi mourned the loss of one of its own last week, as well-known ‘golden retriever boyfriend’ Kelvin Durango was sadly put down. Durango was 28 at the time of his euthanization, surpassing the expected lifespan of most golden retriever BFs by about 1-and-a-half dog years.

Jenna Hart, Durango’s girlfriend, says that the decision was unfortunately a necessary one, albeit not easy. “It always hurts to let go of someone who’s meant so much to you. But after that attack at the coffee shop, we all knew it was the right time to pull the plug.” The ‘attack’ refers to an incident at Monterey Jack Park, in which Durango tackled a local goth’s boyfriend during a particularly rousing game of ultimate frisbee.

“That’s the danger of golden retriever boyfriends," said Dr. Holly Budden, relationship counselor and part-time veterinarian. “They’re lovable, they’re fun, they look great on your Instagram. But taking care of one is a full-time responsibility, and most owners don’t know exactly what they’re getting into before buying.” Budden added that at Durango’s last check-up, he expressed an overwhelming desire to listen to early 2000s “white girl jams” and rewatch The Hangover.

Durango’s last day was filled with his favorite things: time with his girlfriend, a walk in the park, sniffing his own rear end, and placing irresponsible bets on DraftKings. “I wanted him to have the best experience possible before I let go,” said Hart. “We only dated for two months, but he meant so much to me. Now I have to remember what it’s like to date guys with actual brain activity.” She is currently on the market for an “A24 guy” who listens to Geese and buys overpriced coffee, but says she’ll settle for anyone who has a neutral relationship with his mother.