Bored JD Vance Picks Up Second Job at Hot Topic

WASHINGTON, D.C . – Vice President JD Vance was spotted recently working the afternoon shift at a Hot Topic, quietly folding My Chemical Romance T-shirts and muttering to himself. When approached by curious bystanders, he didn’t shy away. Instead, he doubled down and asked them if they were curious about Smiling Friends merch.

“No disrespect to the wisdom of our glorious herald, but President Trump hasn’t been giving me much to do lately,” said Vance to an Eggplant correspondent. “I don’t believe he knows what the Vice President really does. Honestly, neither do I. Plus, Erika–I mean, Usha–wants me to get out of the house more, so I thought I’d pick up some part-time work.” He finished eating a pretzel twist from the Auntie Anne’s next door before returning to the checkout counter.